The San Francisco Department of Public Health (SFDPH) would like to remind you that "breathing, panting, shouts, and groans" all offer pathways for coronavirus to enter the body. And that spit play probably isn't a good idea, right now.

The pandemic's definitely pulled the e-brake on random app-facilitated hookups and regrettable one night stands conducted after bringing someone home from a dive bar — who may or may not look entirely different when placed inside a well-lit space. (But in lieu of frivolous in-person meetups, “fan content” — i.e. the NSFW posts on such sites like OnlyFans and Patreon — is enjoying a boom in popularity amid COVID-19.) However, those still navigating dating and sex with vetted prospects can turn to SFDPH's "Tip Sheet for Safer Sex During the COVID-19 Pandemic," which was recently updated on February 9, for a bit of guidance.

And, non-binary-moniker, are those suggestions… something.

First and foremost: the City's health department fully acknowledges that ingesting respiratory particles and mucous is the principal way the novel pathogen enters one's body. "Hot and heavy breathing" is generally frowned upon when carrying out the deed, per the agency; the document suggests that possibly opening a window or romping in a well-ventilated area (the outdoors?) might make for a more COVID-19-safe experience; SFDPH wants you to know that fellatio — and both finger licking and toe sucking — are still activities fraught with the possibility of consuming bodily fluids that may or may not contain coronavirus bodies.

What might be my favorite tongue-in-cheek tips can be found in the "Quicker can be better" and "Maybe you’d like to watch" subsections.

The former segment strongly encourages you to keep whatever sexual intercourse you’re having with a new partner as brief as possible; it’d be a wise choice to ping the "save and wait" Lyft option the moment you text your companion "here." As for the latter section, it subtly hints that it's safer to, say, watch your partner pleasure themself from across a capacious apartment than mess up a tidy duvet cover.

Oh, and then there's this aspirational gem of public safety copy: "Embrace dirty thoughts. And clean surfaces."

Whether you're keeping celibate these days or occasionally visiting Rock Hard to pick up new toys for a sex-positive comrade, stay mindful of your activities and take the appropriate COVID-19 safety actions for the situation at hand. But no doubt hold off on those oragies until herd immunity is reached — which will require around 50% to 80% of the population to be completely vaccinated.

To read SFDPH's "Tip Sheet for Safer Sex During the COVID-19 Pandemic" in its full glory, click here.

Related: SF to Begin Phase 1B of Vaccinations in Two Weeks; Only One CA County Changes to 'Red' Tier

CVS Stores In 18 Bay Area Cities to Begin Vaccinating People Friday

Californians With Underlying Health Risks Can Start Getting Vaccines — at Doctors' Discretion — on March 15

Image: Screenshot via SFDPH