by Daisy Barringer

Oh hey! You guys may have noticed by now that Super Bowl 50 is being played in San Francisco. Well, not ACTUALLY San Francisco. But, you know, the San Francisco 49ers’ stadium that’s located 45 miles south of San Francisco in Santa Clara. And even though the Niners aren’t playing in the game thanks to the fact that they suck soooooo bad, I thought surely you’d still want my thoughts on America’s most-watched sporting event.

First of all, not that you can probably afford a ticket, but whatever you do: Don’t actually go to the Super Bowl. I made that mistake three years ago in New Orleans and what I discovered was that everything they say is true: Attending Super Bowl is not about watching football. It’s about schmoozing and money and saying you were there even though you don’t give a damn about the two teams battling it out on the field. No, watch this game from the comfort of your couch where you have full control over the remote (I don’t care how cute those puppies are; I never change the channel), a cold beer is always within reach, and you don’t have to pay $700 to tailgate with Guy Fieri.

And then root for the Panthers. Like I am. And not just because I have a lot of family and friends in North Carolina, all of who might murder me if I cheer for the Broncos. But because I look better in blue and silver. And I like cats more than horses. No, not really. Cats suck, duh, and the fact of the matter is: The Panthers are just the better story.

Listen, I like Peyton Manning as much as the next girl. He’s one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the sport. (I mean, not as great as Joe Montana, but still: very, very good.) And considering he’s 39 and set to be the oldest quarterback to ever play in a Super Bowl, there’s a good chance, win or lose, this game will be his final hurrah. And if he didn’t already have a Super Bowl ring, I’d probably be rooting for the Broncos because I always feel bad for old QBs who haven’t won it all. (Like, don’t you just get sad every time you see Dan Marino’s face?) But he does have a Super Bowl ring. In fact, if he hadn’t lost a bunch, he could have four Super Bowl rings. Plus, it’s not like the dude’s even been playing that well.

Of course, Denver didn’t make it to the Super Bowl because of its offense. Rather, it’s the defense with players like Von Miller, DeMarcus Ware, Aqib Talib, Chris Harris Jr., and Bradley Roby who got the Broncos to this spot. And it’s that defense that’s going to make this Super Bowl a fun one to watch. (Only somewhat related: I do have a soft spot for Vernon Davis and will be stoked for him if the Broncos win, even if the chance of him seeing any significant playing time is zilch.)

But the real star of this Super Bowl is Cam Newton. I find it laughable that so many people can’t stand Cam Newton. Apparently they hate his end zone dabbing and dancing, his confident/cocky demeanor, the fact that he gives footballs to kids, that he’s really good, that he DGAF, and that he refuses to change his behavior so that old-ass white Americans will accept him. Oh, he makes grandpas in the South uncomfortable? Good. Sure, I should probably be rooting for a team based on who plays better football and while I do think the Panthers actually are better, all of that other stuff really makes me want Cam Newton and the Panthers to win.

Of course, it’s not just Cam Newton who makes the Carolina Panthers so fun to watch. It’s Kawann Short, Luke Kuechly, Josh Norman, Greg Olsen, and yes… even Ted Ginn Jr. I mean, as a Niners fan, I can’t help but be stoked for the guy.

The truth is, though, regardless of which team you hope wins it all, there’s a lot to love about Super Bowl 50.

  • The old guy vs. the new guy: Peyton and Cam have the largest age gap between any two QBs in NFL history. (13 years, 48 days.)
  • Two No. 1 picks: Peyton and Cam were both drafted No. 1 overall. Peyton in 1998 by the Colts and Cam in 2011 by the Panthers.
  • No. 1 vs. No. 2: Cam Newton was the first pick in the 2011 draft. Broncos OLB Von Miller was the second pick. This is the first time a No. 1 and No. 2 pick from the same draft will play against each other in the Super Bowl.
  • Offense vs. Defense: The Panthers are favored to win thanks to their crazy good offense, but the Denver’s defense isn’t going to make it easy. Everyone knows I love a good sack. Denver’s for sure going to keep it interesting the whole game.
  • These are actually the best teams from the NFC and AFC. Which is how it should be. Hopefully that means great football on all sides of the bar and a close score ‘til the very end.

Listen, I get it. You live in SF so you despise Super Bowl 50. You hate everything about it. And there are definitely some things to be pissed about, specifically the cost to the taxpayers and how Ed Lee is trying to hide the homeless from the tourists. That stuff is gross, I agree. But, like, if you’re whining because your commute is a little longer or because they’re selling $10 Bud Lights at Super Bowl City, I can’t with you.

And anyway, as much as you hate what Super Bowl 50 has done to SF, if you’re still reading this, you’re definitely going to watch it. And no matter which team wins, it should be a great game. And in a few weeks, everything Super Bowl will have disappeared and it’ll be time to find something new to complain about. So might as well just make the most of it. Go Panthers.