In his 36th annual second coming, Jesus — or a variety of men bearing his likeness — rose in Golden Gate Park's Hellman Hollow. Dolores Park's construction has prevented the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence from holding the show there this and last year, but no matter. The new venue is equally suited to Easter revelry, with groups picnicking and parading their fashions. After a children's easter egg hunt and contests for the best bonnet and "Foxy Mary" likeness, it was time to indulge in the body of Christ.
This year we were treated to Jesus on roller skates, Jesus on vacation, and monkey Jesus on a cross of Warhol bananas. Exorcism jesus was there too, screaming obscenities, as was Buddy Jesus and "Actual" Jesus, who quipped, "don't read the bible. I didn't write that shit." The only other Jesus I could have asked for would have been a Yeezus.
But the winning Jesus this year crawled to the stage before revealing his diaper to the world, letting it be known that he was baby Jesus. Baby Jesus responded to all questions with the same line, "I don't know, I'm just a baby!" and squirted himself suggestively with milk from his bottle. Wherever he was, surely Archbishop Cordileone experienced a frisson.