For the third year running, the all-bro Mr. Marina beauty pageant returns to give voice and a stage to 12 lucky finalists as they shake their junk in search of local fame in a zip code prone to liquefaction. Last year's event raised $91,000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and managed to top the inaugural event as a fascinating spectacle of dude theater. Also: everyone got drunk on raspberry vodka sodas.
For the uninitiated, the competition seeks to find the man or manboy who most embodies the spirit of San Francisco's notoriously collegiate neighborhood. The pageant consists of three rounds: a swimwear portion, a talent portion, and a "Marina wear" Q&A session. Contestants will be scored based on how much money they raise for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society as well as their ability to answer questions while wearing colorful boat shoes.
After an inebriated first year, last year's talent portion included sexy saxophone solos, rap battles, and one man in a cowboy hat playing the piano. For its third year, the ever-growing event is moving to an even larger space and will now happen Wednesday, March 19th at the Regency Center on Van Ness. Fancy.
Tickets go on sale next Friday, January 17th. In the meantime, now is as good a time as any to familiarize ourselves with the Mr. Marina class of 2014. Their bios, by the way, are provided by the contestants themselves:
- Charles Edward Walker The First has only the second whitest name in the competition, although he maintains he is actually the fifth member of his bloodline to go by "Charles." He also claims to be "the most interesting man in the Marina," which is neither an interesting nor original claim, but is in fact a tagline lifted from a beer campaign that is eight years old. He once gave Hunter Pence a pep talk (allegedly).
- If you were to meet contestant Cameron Crockett on Chestnut Street, you might describe him as "a cabernet blend from the Wine Merchant, strong bodied with hints of spiciness." Cam lives above noted Marina watering holes Monaghan’s and the Tipsy Pig, says Uber rated him 6 stars and hopes one day his unnamed startup will go public.
- Corey Williams avoided all posturing and bravado in his personal bio until he signed off as "The Wolf of Lombard."
- John "Jack" Joseph Wall, III has a beard, plays water polo and is easy to spot because he "usually wears a beautiful Hawaiian shirt and waddles when he walks." He maintains that he is an avid dancer and was twerking before Miley Cyrus came along.
- Chico-born, Sacto-raised Jason Root is a former offensive lineman-turned-rugby player-turned-personal trainer who is not afraid to remind you of that fact by often standing for photos in a classic strongman pose. He enjoys shots of Jameson and walking around the Marina with kettlebells.
- Jeff Zeller was "born at a very young age," comes highly "recommended by 9 out of 10 people that recommend things" and lives in a house on Marina Blvd called "The Palace."
- Jieren Chen was born in a lifeboat on the South China Sea, which is probably the most interesting fact about any of these contestants so far, although we really have no idea what is fact or fiction at this point. He does, however, own a really sweet Wu-Tang sweater.
- As graduate of Marina preparatory school Santa Clara University, Keegan Youmans-Via is now in his Senior year of living in San Francisco. He likes cheap beer, expensive wine, perfect slices of pizza and pictures of himself on a boat with champagne.
- Patrick Doyle works for "a prominent tech firm in Mountain View," considers himself a refined critic of cinema and has quite a chin.
- Rugby-playing entrepreneur Ryan Wager rides a fully-loaded Vespa, picks up ladies by volunteering at dog shelters, bought his mother a house and his favorite restaurant is Wendy's.
- Stephen Patkay is "a modern day Zach Morris" who has completed the Alcatraz swim a dozen times and carries a folding beer pong table with him.
- Ward Sorrick studies the Meisner technique in Berkeley, likes playing mountain man at his Echo Lake cabin and respectfully avoided the rest of the field's awkward posturing.
Last year's winner took home a prize package that included a $300 bar tab at the Hi-Fi Lounge on Lombard Street, a commemorative plaque and was generally treated like Marina royalty for a year. Tickets for the 2014 event go on sale next Friday, January 17th and the proceeds go to benefit Slap Cancer and the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.