Looking like the Mission-Dolores of the '90s, a grisly stabbing near artisan market Bi-Rite resulted in two men being whisked to a local hospital with life-threatening injuries. The incident occurred on Oakwood between 18th and 19th after a gaggle of horrible drunk twentysomethings got into a fight.

Officer Albie Esparza tells Mission Local that "five people were involved in a verbal altercation that escalated into a physical fight that injured two people," going on to add, "the suspects, described as in their 20s, fled the scene." The only descriptive was that "one suspect was short and the other stocky."

According to some, the melee began in Dolores Park. Uptown Almanac reports, "There was undeniably some evil energy in the park today; quite unlike anything I've ever felt in the park before. It was so bad that for the first time ever, I actually got up and left The Park because of the atmosphere. " A group of people were "breaking bottles, brandishing knifes in the park, and generally acting like shitheads."

Here's just a taste of the evil UA witnessed:

At the risk of sounding crass, where are the pepper spraying cops when we actually need them? Anyway.

One resident "choking back sobs" after witnessing the aftermath was inconsolable, an eyewitness claims. No word yet if the double stabbings will have a Hog & Rocks effect (if you recall, after an employee was shot and killed by a 15-year-old outside the Mission restaurant, patrons turned their heads, shrugged, and went back to eating), but the blood has been washed away and lines for ice cream form to the left, please. What with today's warm weather on the horizon, Dolores Park and 18th Street salted caramel meatball offal shops, or whatever, should be filled to the rim.

Anyone with information should call SFPD at 415-575-4444 or ANONYMOUSLY text a tip to TIP411