Simon Says premiered at the Another Hole in the Head horrorfest on Friday June 1st at a midnight showing. Well, an 11:45 p.m. showing. Whatever, it was late for old fogeys like us, but the allure of Crispin Glover was too much to ignore.
You know what can really prep you for a late night horror movie showing? Searching for parking in the Mission when your parking abilities are limited to spots that do not require any parallel maneuvering. Yeah. We can't parallel park; we're almost as bad as Meadow Soprano. But we don't actually own a car, so we don't often have to deal with this issue.
An hour. It took us an hour to find a spot that wasn't in a scary crack alley (we'd be walking back to that car alone, after seeing a horror movie; our nerves wouldn't take it) and was easy to pull in to. Needless to say, we were an agitated mess, and we barely made it in time for the screening. Which may have something to do with our reaction to the film.
Which wasn't good. It annoyed us.
Plotwise, it's your classic stupid teenagers scenario, with them deciding to go into the big bad woods for some camping, pot smoking, and sex. They ignore the warnings of the loony locals (don't they always) about a crazed set of twin brothers and the murder of their parents, and soon enough, said teens are face to face with Simon and Stanley, both played by Crispin Glover.
Now, Crispin Glover is still our density, and he's really the only reason we chose to see this movie. And for fans, he doesn't disappointed. He overacts the hell out of his dual role, complete with ridiculously exaggerated southern drawl. ("You fugot tah sayay 'Sahman Sayays!"). Simon and Stanley don't just off their prey, they eviscerate them, with the help of homemade gadgets that would make Saw's killer very jealous. Alas, Glover's presence can't lift the film above standard slasher fare, with its bad acting, ridiculous dialogue (one of the victims confesses his love for the heroine, just before his death via giant spliff, and the entire audience groaned), and the requisite twist ending. It's straight-to-DVD quality, at best.
We did appreciate the presence of not one but two Wilhelm screams in the film, though.
Simon Says screens again tonight at 9:30 p.m. at the Roxie.