Sex, love, and other mysteries in the city your mother warned you about.

Peter Pan was the original fuccboi. That dude would NOT grow up, you know? So perhaps it should come as little surprise that a city with a long history of comparisons to Neverland has a shit-ton of fuccboi Peter Pan syndrome sufferers who are effing up your lovelife.

If that's the case, then this blog post is for you, and it's inspired by a rant that might stand for many others. A 35-year-old San Francisco woman, one who identifies as queer but is clearly dating all the wrong dudes, tells Elle magazine today that she is utterly exasperated with her romantic prospects here.

"Dating in the Bay Area is hard," she observes, "The tech guys are the worst; I've pretty much stopped dating them." Yes, a lot of tech guys are young, and therefore dumb, but she adds that "it's not just tech guys." In the end, it's a general immaturity — the kind that stands in the way of a person's ability to really appreciate and account for another person in their life. As she puts it, these guys "don't want you to have needs and wants of your own." Some she's dated have even adopted expedient political opinions just to get laid. "It kind of sucks when you thinks someone is super cool and really down with social justice and it turns out they're just into fucking girls who are into social justice," she says.

Now, this particular Wendy doesn't speak for everyone — there are plenty of people out there who are looking for a bit of boyish charm. Boys do make such excellent playthings. But when you've personally decided that you're through with the Peter Pan types you keep dating, look out for these five signs he isn't ready to grow the eff up.

1. He wears a little green hat

Peter Pan guys are easy to spot because they wear those fucking little green hats. You know the ones: With those little red feathers in them? Who do these guys think they are, some kind of puckish wood nymph? By extension, this rule can be applied to any dude that wears hats, especially uncool ones, especially inside. If he wears a hat at a restaurant, go to the bathroom and do not return.

2. He flies in through your window at night

Umm can we talk about how this is definitely NOT okay? This is some heavy breaking and entering shit, plus it's rude as fuck and a clear invasion of your space. This Peter Pan asshole needs to learn some serious boundaries. Even if he isn't literally sneaking in to your apartment, this type of person will always put his needs ahead of yours — at all hours. Yes, this includes unwanted texts for late night booty calls.

3. Super vague at making plans

"Second star to the left and straight on 'til morning" does not constitute a date night plan. Where are you going? Where is this headed? In the end, you need a dude who you can scheme things out with. And, if he's trying to take you somewhere and wont' tell you where that is, start preemptively typing 911 into your phone.

4. He has hella other chicks and they're tryna kill you!

Look, it's 2016: This thing doesn't have to be totally exclusive right away. Monogamy is so retro! But if your dude has all kindsa chicks and mermaids and such who are actually attempting to murder you, that's a red flag right there. Please be careful! Possessive behavior on the part of his friends, especially those with whom he might be romantically involved, is definitely a bad sign. While, yes sure, they could just be jealous — it's clearly a deal-breaker if he has other known partners who are out to get you. You just don't need that drama in your life anymore.

5. He fetishizes youth

Neverland doesn't last forever. Face it: We're all getting older. If he wants to ride a skateboard or a motorcycle or some shit to feel young, that's up to him. But if he's obsessed with youthfulness in others and is somehow trying to enforce it on you, it's time to make romantic investments elsewhere. You know where this is going: In the end, this dude is just gonna leave you for some young thing who doesn't have half of what you've got. I mean, what, is this dude gonna try to date your daughter or something? That's disgusting.

All previous volumes of Eff-ing in SF
Related: Neverland Forever: SF's History Of Lost Boys And Girls