It's been an odd and scary year in many ways. But 2015 came on the heels of a number of odd years, and when you cover crime and such on a daily basis, you start to get numb to it all. But this year we at SFist awoke to a lot of godawful and really, really bizarre stuff in our news feeds. Some of it made us laugh, some of it made us cringe, and some of it made us want to take a shower and a pill to try to forget.
Let this suffice as your year in review. And if you're not sure you have the strength right now, with the holidays not even over and all, please feel free just review the best new restaurants and call it a day.
Do not...
...Assume that just because a cop is extremely hot and modest he is without flaws.
This year we learned that there may be some human weakness in the big, strong, catalogue model of a man who got dubbed the Hot Cop of the Castro back in 2014. In 2015, he ended up accused in a late-night hit-and-run in North Beach that injured two men. As pretty as he is, there are now two felony charges against him, and there were two witnesses apparently in the car with him before he ran off, so we're still waiting to see how this goes.
...Take Xanax from a friend, or from anyone who might have bought it off the street.
As we learned in October, death-strength fentanyl is being sold on the street in pill form as counterfeit Xanax, and fentanyl overdose was the apparent cause of death of three friends who all took some pills together to "come down" after a night of partying. Beware out there.
...Passive aggressively attempt to convince San Franciscans that you're all about corporate citizenry.
Here's a lesson we learned via Airbnb, which also learned the hard way not to put a politically sensitive ad campaign in the hands of non-local ad firm and plaster it all over town right before an election.
...Doubt the abilities of an imaginative, mentally ill criminal to concoct a kidnapping for ransom so odd and implausible that no one believed it was real.
When we learned in July that the March kidnapping of Denise Huskins in Vallejo was not, in fact, a bizarre and poorly executed hoax to get a ransom out of someone, our minds were blown. It then comes to light that accused kidnapper Matthew Muller acted alone despite everyone involved suggesting there was a group of people involved, including him in a lengthy explanation he emailed to the Chronicle a gang of Oceans Eleven-style gentlemen criminals, in fact. Muller remains in jail and pleaded no contest in September to another botched home invasion, this one in Dublin, and he seems to be severely mentally ill with grand delusions about who he is and what he's done. And we won't be so quick to call something a hoax ever again.
...Sublet your soda shop location to people who say they want to open a "vitamin store."
After former Fizzary owner Taylor Peck inadvertently sublet his Mission retail space to some apparent criminals, he was forced to vandalize it himself to try to get cops' attention to the gambling and prostitution going on at all hours. Meanwhile, he had to keep living upstairs.
...Go robotripping with any underage pals up in Marin.
Also referred to as "dexing" or "skittling," the practice of taking over-the-counter cough syrup containing dextromethorphan, also referred to as Skittles, is liable to land a person in the hospital, and could be deadly when mixed with antidepressants. And we felt old just by virtue of the fact that we just learned the term "skittling."
...Underestimate the Golden State Warriors.
You know they went 24-0 to start the season, right? And they're now 29-1 which ain't bad either. They've actually eclipsed every major professional sports team in the nation now, cracking a 131-year-old record set by a baseball team, the 1884 St. Louis Maroons, who went 20-0 to start their season that year. And the records this season are likely to only keep coming.
...Underestimate the endurance of a PR agency, some lawyers, and a group of wealthy UCSF donors to fight to block a new basketball arena 'til the proverbial cows come home.
Don't expect it to stop anytime soon, either.
...Exchange racist and homophobic text messages if you are a law enforcement official.
Of course it's taken years for this case involving anywhere from five to 17 SFPD officers and staffers exchanging racist and homophobic messages about each other and people they were investigating as early as 2010 or 2011. And just recently, it appeared they all might be getting off scot free and staying on the force. But then there was this entirely separate case about sheriff's deputies in Santa Clara County exchanging racist messages about a mentally ill inmate whom they allegedly killed. The humanity. Police Chief Greg Suhr has already sought to fire some people over this, and maybe that might still happen.
...Squat in an empty Pacific Heights mansion and pawn $300,000 in the owner's art and use proceeds to go to Burning Man.
Just wow, this guy.
...Hang out with drifters.
We don't want to suggest that all homeless youth and drifters through the Haight are bad or evil even the denizens of the Haight streets say they were freaked out by the energy of 23-year-old Morrison Haze Lampley, 24-year-old Sean Michael Angold, and 18-year-old Lila Scott Allgood. But they, at least via the evidence against them, appear to be pretty messed up kids you're glad you didn't run into in the woods, or anywhere.
...Fall asleep in an Uber.
If you weren't freaked out enough by this, then maybe you should be concerned by this.
...Forget that anything, even a domestic abuse scandal that engulfed all of City Hall, can be ripe material for a comedic one-woman show.
Oh, Eliana. We heart you.
...Steal a disabled dog's wheelchair.
Actually, we did not have to learn this. No one should have to be taught this.
...Sport signature, highly identifiable facial hair when one is potentially going to be breaking some laws.
I mean, mustaches like that are a crime in and of themselves. But, yeah.
Photo: SFPD
...Underestimate the ability of serial stowaway Marilyn Hartman to confuse us.
We've been following the plight of poor, clearly mentally ill Marilyn Hartman for a year and a half now, and this year SF Mag tried to get to the bottom of her story, which doesn't actually seem to have a bottom.
...Assume that most weird crime happens in the city.
Well, we already knew Vallejo was whack. But some really bizarre shit happened in Napa this year, including a bizarre, execution-style killing at a winery over a business deal gone bad that followed a gun chase through a vineyard, and was then followed by a car chase into the hills and a suicide.
...Try to smuggle pot through Oakland Airport.
Not only did a trio of baggage handlers at Oakland Airport get nabbed for running a pot smuggling ring this year, but then a security officer at the airport just got brought up on charges for doing the same thing, perhaps unrelated to the other three, though perhaps not.
...Or try to smuggle meth through SFO.
These TSA agents, man.
...Doubt that lots of stoners will show up for 4/20, even if it's chilly out.
They just keep coming. And that mime/dancing girl we all loved? She wrote in. She's allegedly sober, and was totally not high in the video, and she was there to demonstrate how sober people can look really high and have a great time whilst being totally sober.
...Ever, ever allow ourselves to be photographed on a hoverboard.
Or even buy a hoverboard. They spontaneously combust, you know, in addition to making you look stupid.
... Stuff a dismembered, headless body in a suitcase and leave it outside a Goodwill.
This goes without saying, of course. Not that we're making light of this gruesome, awful story from back in January. And we may, actually, never know what happened there since the prime suspect is dead. But just to remind everyone, this happened. And the victim's father just went on TV to voice his frustration about how slow the investigation has gone.
...Hijack a construction vehicle and tool around Dolores Park like idiots.
Those vandals only delayed the reopening of the park for everyone else.
...Underestimate the ability of Oakland protesters to smash shit up.
No, we won't underestimate that, ever.
...Have any faith that landlords won't find a way to rent out even the most egregiously awful spaces for top dollar.
You've seen this column, yeah?
