by Daisy Barringer

I used to be really into this show Vampire Diaries on the CW. I found the plot line intriguing — two really hot vampire brothers (one honorable, one selfish) move back to the town where they became vampires centuries before and the “good” brother falls in love with a high school girl whose best friend is a witch and they all try to control the selfish brother who is seriously, like, really, really, really good looking and wants to drink human blood and there are doppelgangers and eventually werewolves and did I mention how hot the “bad” brother was?

Anyway, I watched this show for, like, three seasons; I rooted for the good brother to get the girl. And then I changed my mind and cried (happy tears) when the super hot, bad brother actually got her. And then one day I realized I was on the sixth episode of season four and I really didn’t even enjoy it anymore and it was actually just a huge waste of my time and probably Damon was never going to fall for me anyway considering he lived in Virginia. And was a vampire. And, uh, fictional.

So I deleted it off my DVR and never looked back.

What’s the point of this story besides the fact that I watch really bad television and that my type is apparently a bloodthirsty, dark haired, blue eyed, brooder? It’s that usually if I’m self-aware enough to realize I’m not enjoying something I’m watching on TV, I’m smart enough to change the channel.

So then why, I ask you, can I not stop watching the debacle that is the San Francisco 49ers in 2015?

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve enjoyed following the 49ers even during losing seasons. But this season is different. Perhaps because even in those losing seasons, I thought the Niners were trying to win. Perhaps because even in those losing seasons, I was still getting a chance to watch a certain player shine. Perhaps because I understood we were rebuilding. Perhaps because I believed, “Next year, we’ll be better.”

This year, however, I don’t find any of those things to be true. Sure, every now and again, a player has a good game or someone makes a decent play or there’s a great hit. But for the most part, this current San Francisco 49ers team is just flat-out, totally and completely awful. Like: they suck and they suck hard.

Which makes me wonder why on earth I actually thought the 49ers could cover the -11.5 point spread against the Seattle Seahawks yesterday. Based on how badly the Seahawks have been playing as of late and the fact that Gabbert looked like he was going to be able to at least manage the offense somewhat successfully, I really believed the Niners wouldn’t get completely pummeled in Seattle.

Of course, I was wrong. The final score was 29-13 and there is almost nothing to be happy about coming off of the loss.

The defense was abysmal. Marshawn Lynch’s rookie backup, Thomas Rawls, ran for 209 yards and scored a rushing and receiving touchdown. Why couldn’t the Niners contain him? Oh, apparently because even though they knew Marshawn was injured, as NaVorro said, they “prepared for 24 and 24 didn’t play.” Of course, Glenn Dorsey also left the game with a knee injury in the first quarter, which was a huge defensive loss, but doesn’t account for the fact that they more or less totally failed to show up.

Blaine Gabbert had a mediocre game, though he did shine during a two-minute drill before the half when he threw for 92 yards in nine plays and 91 seconds, ultimately connecting with Vance McDonald for a 19-yard touchdown to make the score 20-7 at halftime. Still, made a few passes that really should have been intercepted, and had that happened, I think we’d all be singing a very different song today.

Except it doesn’t even matter what song we sing because as of Saturday, Colin Kaeperick is on injured reserve, a move Trent Baalke says was a “mutual decision,” but hmmmm…. Where have we heard that before? Oh right: When he and Jed York FIRED Jim Harbaugh. So, yeah, we’ve probably seen the last we’ll ever see of Kap (Baalke also lied to the media and said that wasn’t true, but he’s a huge liar and we all know that and so bye bye Colin!), which means that, for now, Blaine Gabbert is our starting quarterback. It’s hard to imagine that Gabbert could actually still be our QB in 2016 except that we have two morons running the team at this point, so probably actually he will be. At least he has nice teeth?

Which leads us to the biggest question left now that Kap is gone: Will head coach Jim Tomsula be fired after this season? We all know he should be. He was never qualified for the job in the first place. I don’t think he’ll be too broken up about it; anyone who watched the game yesterday and saw him opting to punt on 4th downs when going for it was the only chance the Niners had to win knows that Tomsula isn’t really into winning. And I can’t even imagine how terrifying it must be to have a job you’re utterly inept at; I would imagine getting fired come January will actually be a huge relief. If he gets fired that is. It’s really impossible to tell what Jed York will do at this point because he makes all of his decision with his ego and not his teeny tiny brain.

Regardless, the 49ers are now 3-7. Which means there are six more agonizing games before the season comes to an end, none of which I have any desire to watch. I know some Niners’ fans will say that makes me a bandwagoner — that I have to stick by the team in good times and bad — and a few years ago, I might have agreed with them. Now I am old enough and wise enough to realize that when you’re no longer drooling over the hot, surly vampire, it’s okay to turn off the TV. Or at least go watch it in a bar so you can keep an eye out for his hot make out scenes while still getting to watch legitimately competitive football games. Or something.

Next Week: The (8-2) Arizona Cardinals come to “San Francisco” for what’s sure to be a total beat down. My tickets are on StubHub for well under face value. Who wants ‘em?