by Daisy Barringer

Every year, a few weeks before the start of the NFL season, I start having anxiety dreams. The Niners kick off in ten minutes, but I’m an hour away and can’t figure out how to get to the stadium; I’m at the game but I’m 3,000 feet in the air and there’s a huge column in front of my seat and I can’t see the field. Then, the night before the first game, I’m so restless and excited, I can’t fall asleep. This year, however, the anxiety never came and the only thing keeping me up Sunday night was my Saint Bernard who snores louder than an old, fat, drunk man.

Who do I blame for that? Why Jed York of course. You know: the man who has made it abundantly clear that he’s in the 49ers football game for the money and nothing else. The man who, along with Trent Baalke, fired our only winning coach in years in lieu of a fleet of “yes” men who won’t talk back even if they’re saying something York needs to hear. Of course, it’s not just that. This was also the single most depressing offseason in the history of San Francisco sports. Bye Patrick Willis (retired) and Chris Borland (retired) and Justin Smith (retired) and Anthony Davis (kinda retired) and Aldon Smith (cut after DUI) and Frank Gore (I’m not ready to talk about it) and Andy Lee (same)… The list goes on.

So yeah, I’ll admit it. I fully thought the 49ers were going to lose last night during their season opener against the Minnesota Vikings. I assumed Adrian Peterson would come in and run all over our defense and that would be that and maybe we wouldn’t go 0-4, but only because the Steelers who we play next week have some injuries and suspended players.

But guess what? I was wrong! Yay! Listen, I despise being wrong. Unless I’m wrong about a 49ers loss, in which case I’ll eat crow all day long and it will taste delicious. Obviously, Carlos Hyde looked amazing (168 yards on 26 carries with 2 TDs). I mean, I wasn’t like “Frank Gore, who?” but I was like “Okay, I’m not going to cry myself to sleep anymore.” It’s almost a bit of a blessing that Reggie Bush was injured (calf, apparently not serious) so that we really got to see Hyde go to town. (And yes, his spin move to score that first to avoid DE Griffen was very pretty, but no so pretty that Jed York needs to make terrible jokes on Twitter about it. My advice to York: Don’t try to be cute; you’re not.)

Our defense also looked good with five (unexpected for me anyway) sacks, an interception, and almost total containment of Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson. I’d actually like to say our defense was the biggest surprise of the game, but that honor goes to Jim Tomsula who maybe does have a little bit of an idea of what he’s doing after all. I mean, I’m not going to get carried away because it was one game, but other than some really dumb penalties (which obviously can’t be completely blamed on him), the 49ers looked, well… totally adequate! (Not you though, Special Teams. You looked like shit.)

Last night, during the hour it took for us to get out of the parking lot, (“It’ll be better than Candlestick,” they said. “It’ll take 15 minutes to get out of the lots,” they promised.) I was looking on Twitter and I was actually shocked at how many people were apologizing to Jed York for misjudging his offseason decisions. Listen, I will totally admit I was wrong about last night’s game, but do you know when I’ll apologize to Jed York for calling him an incompetent egomaniac? When the 49ers win the Super Bowl this year. And though we all know that’s not going to happen, IF it does, I will take out a full-page ad in the Chronicle asking for Jed York’s forgiveness. In fact, I’ll do that if we win the Super Bowl in the next three years. And no, I’m not saying that because I’m not faithful. I’m saying that because I’m sadly realistic. And because the 49ers broke my heart these last couple of years and wounds like that don’t just heal in one crappy offseason.

So what IS ahead for the 49ers this year? Well, probably not a Super Bowl win. Besides the fact that there are just so many unknowns with this team right now, we have the third-hardest schedule in the NFL. I hate to give predictions because I think it’s too early in the season to even pretend to know how everything’s going to shake out on our team or others teams, but my cautiously optimistic prediction after seeing what went down last night is that we go 7-9. (Wins @ Steelers, vs. Seahawks, vs. Cardinals, @ Browns, @ Lions, vs. Rams, and one total shocker which I would love to be @ Packers or @ Seahawks.) Again, I HOPE I AM WRONG. Frankly, if the Niners keeps running the ball the way they did, the defense keeps playing tough, special teams gets their act together, and we can cool it on the penalties, I can see us doing better. But I’d rather go in expecting the worse than have my soul smashed to pieces again. Can you blame me?

Final thoughts:

-- Those black uniforms are more hideous in person than you can imagine. Even more annoying: it was actually kind of hard to see the red numbers either due to the fabric or the lights. Even MORE annoying: the number of times they played “Back in Black” at the stadium last night. No seriously, it was upwards of ten times. WE GET IT. WE’RE BACK. AND WE ARE ALSO WEARING BLACK. I just don’t see the Niners as the type of team who needs to pretend they’re bad asses (that is the point of an all black uniform, right?). Like, wear the regular uniform and show other teams you’re a bad ass by what you do on the field, not what you wear on it. Still, they won in them so I doubt they’re going anywhere anytime soon. Plus, someone told me the kids these days are really into them. There’s no accounting for terrible taste, I suppose.

-- Levi’s Stadium did feel a little more like home last night. I suspect it’s because people get more fired up for Monday Night Football, but the crowd was on its feet and getting loud when we were on defense. As loud as you can get in that place, anyway. Also, I saw a lot more butts in seats during kickoff and at the start of the second half than I ever have before. I also didn’t see any fighting although, ohmygod, have you met people from Minnesota? The nicest. A lot of frosted tips, but still: the nicest. [Ed. Note: That is, except for this brawl in the parking lot that just surfaced.] It’s still not like Candlestick; people in my section don’t high-five everyone around them, just the people they came with, which throws me off every time I’m left with my hand hanging in the air. But hey, at least they’re making noise. I’ll take the small victories for now. The traffic still sucks and the parking situation is a debacle and it’s STILL in Santa Clara and I’m probably never going to love it, but I think I have to say it was my best experience at the totally sterile and very corporate stadium thus far. Or maybe I’m just in a good mood because we won. Probably that.

Prediction for Next Week: 49ers eke out a win over the Steelers thanks to a short week and playing on the road. But I do still think we get the win.