by Daisy Barringer

First, a word of advice. If you’re hanging out with a boy for the first time, you might think it’s totally okay to invite him to watch the 49ers with you since they’re playing the 1-11 Raiders who just the week before were humiliated in a 52-0 loss against the Rams. You would never EVER ask him to watch a game the Niners might lose because you’re notorious for your over-the-top and inappropriate reactions in those situations and that’s not exactly the first impression you’re striving to make, but surely, you’d assume, watching the Raiders together would be just fine. Probably, you’d reason, it will be a blow out and you’ll even have some time to chat in the fourth quarter and get to know each other better. Yeah, that’s a great plan, you’d decide.

But FYI: you’d be wrong.

So very, very wrong.

And, frankly, you should know better. Sure, the Raiders are TERRIBLE, but this is the 2014 San Francisco 49ers we’re talking about here. A team that fans had Super Bowl hopes for since, after all, our offense was finally going to come together and our defense was already amazing, and with Coach Harbaugh at the helm, what could go wrong?

Oh right: everything.

Nothing is ever a given with this crappy team and you were a fool to believe otherwise. And, no, the boy did not think it was adorable when you flung yourself to the ground (literally) in flurry of cuss words after Kaepernick’s final interception, and so now not only are you going to die alone, the 49ers aren’t even going to make the playoffs.

Happy Monday!

So yeah. The Oakland Raiders, who up until yesterday were the worst team in the NFL, basically shattered any chance the 49ers had of making the playoffs this year. THE RAIDERS. Is it still statistically possible for the Niners to sneak in? Sure. Is it going to happen? No way. Because the first thing that would need to happen is that the 49ers would need to beat the Seahawks in Seattle next week and hahahahahha yeah: no.

In fact, I suspect the game in Seattle next week is going to even more humiliating than yesterday’s loss to the Raiders. Although is that even possible? Can anything be more humiliating than a loss to the Raiders?

The truth is: the Niners offense looks terrible. Like, embarrassingly bad. And, sadly, that’s mostly in part to how awful Kaepernick has been playing. I mean, he threw an interception on the first play of the game. And he STILL hasn’t figure out how to manage the clock. And on top of that, he’s become more and more of a jerk as the weeks go by. Guess what, Kap? You don’t get to be a total dick when you’re sucking as bad as you are. It’s not a good look for anyone, but especially not for a franchise quarterback who’s failing to live up to any of the hype. You know what you need to show fans now? Humility. And also that you aren’t a complete bust. Although, frankly, I’m not holding out hope for either. (I still miss Alex Smith every day.)

Of course, it’s not ALL Kaepernick’s fault (even though mostly it is). Here’s what else went wrong on offense:

  • The offensive line allowed Kap to be sacked five times. By a team that had a league-low 13 sacks entering the game.
  • Greg Roman’s game plan, once again, seemed to be to try not to lose. No one loves a field goal more than that guy.
  • Gore barely got the ball, averaging 5.3 yards on just 12 carries. I don’t understand how the Niners forget every single week that when Gore gets over 100 yards, we almost always win, but they do.
  • Where’s Vernon Davis? I miss him!

Unfortunately, whereas in game’s past, the defense has been able to save the offense from themselves, they weren’t able to do so yesterday.

  • Raiders QB Derek Carr had a great game. He was 22 of 28 for 254 yards with three touchdown passes. Not the kind of numbers you expect to see from a rookie QB facing off against one the alleged best defenses in the NFL.
  • Ahmad Brooks spent the game on the bench because he didn’t show up to a meeting earlier in the week.
  • How much do we miss Patrick Willis and NaVorro Bowman?

And if all of that’s not bad enough, Phil Dawson missed the 47-yard field-goal attempt that would have kept the Niners alive.

So yeah. It was a painful game to watch and the Niners are terrible and it’s going to be a long rest of the season, especially since it’s become increasingly difficult to ignore the chatter that Harbaugh is 100% leaving the team after this season. As a season ticket holder and die-hard fan, it will be very difficult to see Harbaugh go. The only good thing about it, I suppose, is that hopefully means Greg Roman will go with him.

Go Niners or whatever. I’m off to adopt 15 cats.