For all you jerks out there who can't be bothered to roast a turkey yourself — something which requires very little skill, as local cooking guru Mary Risley taught us a couple years ago, because these weird, jurassic birds rarely rise to the level of refined cuisine no matter what you do to them — there are plenty of ways to present your guests or your slacker roommates a fully cooked takeout meal for Thanksgiving. The multiple solutions to your laziness that we present below will allow you to kick back, get drunk/stoned, and play Call of Duty all day without doing so much as opening the refrigerator for more beer.

4505 Meats/4505 BBQ
Possibly the most exciting development in the pre-cooked turkey scene in SF this year is the offering from the new 4505 Burgers & BBQ. 4505 Meats has for several years offered their uncooked turduckens and stuffing kits and other Thanksgiving-savers. But now, with the addition of their Divisadero restaurant and its big smokers, they're offering these amazing-looking 20-pound birds, with enough meat on them to serve 20-25 people, freshly smoked for pickup on Thanksgiving Day. Alternatively, if you're just cooking for a small group, you could go pick up a couple whole smoked chickens and some of their terrific sides. Just call 415-231-6993 to place your order, and the birds are $200 each. (And if you want a pre-Thanksgiving gut bomb on Wednesday, check out their stand at their Ferry Building stand from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for a Grand Turducken Sandwich.)
4505 Meats - 1909 Mission Street at 15th; 4505 Burgers & BBQ - 705 Divisadero at Grove

The Whole Beast
Some of you will remember Chef John Fink from Outside Lambs at Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival: now based out of The Hall with The Whole Beast, you can pick up Thanksgiving from him. Grab a plain-old juicy turkey (that's a smoked organic Willie Bird turkey, to be precise), or scratch that and order a turkey cassoulet. It's the same turkey with Benton’s hickory smoked bacon and Rancho Gordo heirloom beans, plus cranberry and sage sausage and 9 spice turkey neck confit. Oh yeah, that tryptophan trip is all covered in 4505 Meats chicharrones and turkey cracklings. Just like at the first Thanksgiving, am I right? - Caleb Pershan
Turkey for $140 or $180 for heritage breed, Cassoulet for $88. The Hall, 1028 Market Street Between 6th and Jones Streets, 415-816-1414

Whole Foods
If you want to create the illusion that you're the host with the mostest, and your mostest includes $289.99 (plus tax), then Whole Foods has your back. For that princely sum, you can feed 12 with their Large Heirloom Turkey Dinner, which gets you a turkey and gravy, stuffing, potatoes, green beans, cranberries, 24 rolls, and a pumpkin pie. If you're hosting a smaller gang, their Traditional Organic Turkey Dinner in only $159.99 for eight, and includes a turkey and gravy, stuffing, potatoes, cranberries, 16 rolls, and a pumpkin pie. Everything's fully cooked but is cold when you pick it up, so all you have to do is reheat and hide all the Whole Foods evidence at the bottom of your compost and recycling bins. It's too late to order this online, but calls to a couple SF Whole Foods said it wasn't too late to order directly with the store. So get dialing, slacker! — Eve Batey

Whip Up Some Local Sides From Other Avenues
Outer Sunset grocery store Other Avenues is most often mentioned in tandem with Rainbow Grocery, SF's other food co-op, but though OA might be a bit of a trek for non-area-residents, the trip is more than made up for by the lack of frenzy you might find at its larger competitor. Their other big advantage, says an OA staffer when reached by phone, is their wide selection of organic produce, 99 percent of which is from California. "You can create a truly California feast!" she enthused. As a vegetarian co-op, you won't find any turkey at OA, but you will find all the seasonal vegetables to make an enviable set of sides. If you're totally late to the game, OA is open from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. Thursday, so you can pick up anything you might have forgotten. And if you're not cooking, but need to pick up something to bring to a dinner being prepared by someone else, their well-curated cheese and beer/wine departments will set you up in style. - Eve Batey
3930 Judah Street at 45th Avenue

Bi-Rite Market
Bi-Rite has got at least as huge a selection of side dishes and complete catered dinner options as Whole Foods, and then some. But their order deadline is at 5 p.m. tonight. As in Tuesday the 25th. So you need to hurry on this one. They've got their own Instacart store set up, and their Traditional Turkey Dinner Kit starts at $225 and feeds 8 to 10, with sides, soup, and pumpkin pie included. They will also, obviously, have plenty of pre-made stuff for pick up right in the store, without pre-ordering, for the true slackers among you. And I'd recommend some ice cream too. -Jay Barmann
3639 18th Street - 415-241-9760; or 550 Divisadero at Hayes - 415-551-7900

Queen's Louisiana Po-Boy Cafe
Over in Visitacion Valley, Queen's Louisiana Po-Boy Cafe is working hard on Thanksgiving day, frying up 14 to16 pound birds for your day-of Thanksgiving needs (the fresher the better when it comes to frying, of course). Today's the last day to pre-order a fried turkey, and don't forget some festive beignets. If you missed the boat keep in mind that they'll be doing the same preparation for turkeys through December. - Caleb Pershan
$75, 3030 San Bruno Ave - 415-656-0711

Popeye's
Nope. I am not kidding. Popeye's is amazing, and if it really is just you and your roommates — or you and some friends that you aren't trying to be all fancy with — you should definitely consider the salt-laden masterpiece that is Popeye's Cajun (Style) Turkey. You can get fries with that. You can get red beans and rice. You can even get mac and cheese. And, as an added bonus, this year they've unveiled a new holiday dessert: the spiced pumpkin and cream cheese pie. Clearly you need to try this. - Jay Barmann
599 Divisadero at Hayes; 1426 Fillmore Street; 2598 Mission Street; and 890 Geneva Avenue

Ike's Place
Ike's makes their "Going Home For Thanksgiving Sandwich" year-round, but there's no better time to get it than now, and it's cheaper than a last minute flight. Turkey, cranberry, havarti, and untraditional sriracha use combine to provide a classic leftovers sandwich without the whole cooking a turkey project. If you're spending thanksgiving away from home but still want your fix, this might be the ticket. $8.98, 3489 16th St b/t Dehon St and Sanchez Streets, (415) 553-68

PieTisserie Pies Delivered via Munchery
San Francisco native Jaynelle St. Jean's PieTisserie is offering pick-ups of preordered Thanksgiving pies on Wednesday, and boy do they look good. But, realistically. not everyone will be able to make it to 1605 2nd Ave in Oakland to get one of St. Jean's creations. That's where Munchery (yes, the folks behind to truck controversy) might come in handy, as they're delivering St. Jean's classic holiday pumpkin pie Wednesday (they're closed Thursday) for $22.95 plus their $2.95 delivery fee. It's a 9-inch pie that's supposed to serve 6-8, but having had St. Jean's work in the past, I suggest you get two — one to enjoy on Thanksgiving, and another to linger over all weekend. They're that good. - Eve Batey

Photo: The Whole Beast via Facebook