Described by Inside Scoop as "Girl Scout cookies turned into testosterone-fueled beverages," Guy Fieri has stabbed to death coffee as you know it and pieced it back together into something resembling America's favorite pick-me-up. He calls them Guy Fieri's Flavortown Roasts. They're Keurig-compatible coffee cups. They come in flavors like Bananas Foster and Caramel Apple Bread Pudding Coffee. And they sound goddamn delicious/simply dreadful.

"Really good coffee’s always been super important to me. It’s gotta be the real deal with big bold flavors," Fieri shouted in a prepared statement. "Over the past year, I’ve been working with an awesome team of coffee nuts to create a killer line that’s ready to rock! My fans are going to dig the huge taste, big aroma and funky flavors in my brand new collection."

Said flavors of funk — provided with blurbs from Fieri's marketing team — are as follows: Bananas Foster ("brings me back to my days as a flambé captain!"), Caramel Apple Bread Pudding ("all the flavor from my righteous Caramel Apple Bread Pudding stuffed into your mug"), Chocolate Mint ("the rich and creamy taste of chocolate and cool, fresh mint is perfect any time of year"), Guy’s American Diner Blend ("one thing you know about a diner is that they've got a great cup o' here you go!"), Hazelnut Cinnamon Roll, Hot Fudge Brownie ("my chocolate on chocolate Hot Fudge Brownie coffee comes to you straight from Flavortown!"), Redwood Roast ("big, bold and strong like the mighty redwoods, this French roast will get your engine started"), and Unleaded Decaf ("just packin' a little less horsepower)."

[Vending Market Watch]
[Inside Scoop]