Suburban teens. They're deplorable. For example...

We're not sure what's going on in Pleasanton. We're not sure we even want to know. Sounds scarier than Eddy and Taylor at 3 a.m., at least for us. (We can only imagine what will happen when the SF housing crisis -- and that's just what it is, a crisis -- flushes out the low- to middle-income LGBT folks back into the suburbs.) Anyway, here's a full report: