Super Bowl halftime shows make Rob Lowe and Snow White's infamous 1988 Oscar performance look like "Rose's Turn" from Gypsy. And you think that reference is gay, you should see the following Super Bowl halftime shows. They're divine and everything sporting events should be, but, alas, are not.
5. Date: 1982
Location: Pontiac Silverdome (Pontiac, Michigan)
Theme: Salute to the 1960s and Motown
Performers: Up with People
They don't make halftime shows like this anymore, sadly. Up With People (right-wing music group/sect) made numerous appearances at Super Bowl halftime shows -- four of them, to be exact. This particular one, a jarring mixture of terror and smiles, features UWP bopping and hopping along to hits of the '60s. The spectacle culminates into a rendition of Let the Sunshine In, complete with a Fosse-like blob of arms, shuffling feet and movement. A fitting performance that pairs nicely with football's equality cultish and scary fan base.
4. Date: 1977
Location: Rose Bowl (Pasadena, California)
Theme: It's a Small World
Performers: The Moustekeers, Los Angeles Unified All-City Band, audience card stunt
Aside form the fact that this halftime show involves Mickey Mouse and Moustekeers working it (check out a brief appearance by Blair form The Facts of Life around the 5:30 mark), the decision to shoot almost the entirety of the halftime show from a distance is groundbreaking. So close and yet still so far away from the viewer, the mere mortal.
Location: Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
Theme: Winter Magic and salute to 1992 Winter Olympics
Performers: Gloria Estefan with Olympic Figure skaters Brian Boitano & Dorothy Hamill
What would Brian Boitano do? Figure skate at the Super Bowl. The man has balls, folks. When SFist asked Boitano to tells us about the show, he said, "I think the Chronicle voted it one of the 10 worst half time shows! That was hilarious. But It was not easy because [I had to figure skate] on small plastic ice."
Also, the majority of the show is a tribute to Christmas. Don't most Super Bowls happen in February? Don't answer that.
2. Date: 2004
Location: Reliant Stadium (Houston, Texas)
Theme: Rock the Vote
Performers: Janet Jackson (and Justin Timberlake)
Janet's career faltered after the excruciatingly named "nipplegate," while Justin Timberlake (the male Anne Hathaway) did little to support for the legendary Ms. Jackson during her time of need. So we're giving Janet's nipple reveal the No. 2. It's all for you, Janet.
1. Date: 1996
Location: Sun Devil Stadium (Tempe, Arizona)
Theme: Take Me Higher: A Celebration of 30 Years of the Super Bowl
Performer: Miss Diana Ross
DIANA ROSS IN A HELICOPTER. Look, everything about this performance is nothing short of brilliance. From Miss Ross' welcoming statement ("We're going to take you higher at the super, super Super Bowl!") to the pyrotechnics to the hair in her face to the dancers. But the crowning touch is when, at the end of the song-and-dance spectacle, Diana is whisked away in a helicopter.
* Honorable mention: Madonna... who didn't make the list for including LMFAO in her show.