(By Daisy Barringer)

I know it’s not really about me, but I have to say the 49ers dominating 32-7 win against the Bears left me wondering if I actually know anything about football. After all, I claimed the game would be ugly. A defensive struggle. That a victory on either side would be hard fought and the result of keeping the ball on the ground and running running running.


Listen, I’m not saying I should be fired. Because, let’s be honest, did ANYONE see that coming? (Besides the Bears’ fan behind me who insisted he knew all along that was exactly how it was going to play out…) I mean, that was incredible. The Niners totally and completely and utterly DOMINATED the 7-2 (now 7-3) Chicago Bears. And oh how fun it was to watch.

So fun, in fact, that I now have the worst headache of my adult life and am typing this from the confines of my very comfortable bed. And no, I didn’t wash my face OR brush my teeth before getting into it. I’m so disgusting.

Anyway, my friends, we now have a quarterback controversy. YAY! Just what no one—except the media—wants.

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Should I tell you about the Bears fan who got yelled at by the usher for standing too much and was then handed a card outlining the “standing” rules? No one will be shocked to learn that I lectured my section telling them we were all fat and could do with a little more standing in our lives. Or should I tell you about the belligerent Niners’ fan who got so excited after the Crabtree touchdown that he threw his entire beer… IN HIS OWN FACE.

Long story short: Last night was a complete debacle everywhere except on the field.

Everyone was expecting a defensive battle. The best defenses in the NFL facing off against each other. Well, sorry President Obama, but looks like your Bears might not have the best defense after all. How else can you explain our backup quarterback waltzing in and totally dominating—completing 16 of 23 passes for 243 yards and two touchdowns. Did the Bears defense totally fail or is Kaepernick just that good?

I’ll be honest: I thought Kaepernick would throw an interception. Or two. After all, this was the Bears—the team with an NFL-high 30 takeaways. But Kaepernick looked confident and composed. Even worse (for Alex Smith), he looked like a starting quarterback.

Truly though, the entire team shined last night. It was a complete reversal from what we saw last week and while, yes, that still scares me, since one never knows which Niners’ team she is going to get, I’ll just hope that the one we saw last night is the one that is going to lead us to the Super Bowl.

In brief:

Patrick Wills. Man did he look good. He broke up two passes in the first quarter and helped set the tone for the Niners’ defense all night.

Vernon Davis. Back in the saddle. I think V.D. and Alex Smith have a great rapport but Vernon hasn’t seen the ball much in recent weeks… until last night. Six catches for 83 yards and one TD. I like it. Vernon is crucial to the Niners’ success and the fact that Kaepernick was able to get him the ball is huge.

Kyle Williams. I know people still hold a grudge against him, but that 57-yard catch down the right side was a thing of glory. I had to pick my jaw up off the ground, sure, but, man, was that impressive.

Offensive line: Alex Smith takes sacks because he holds on to the ball rather than take risky shots downfield. Fine. But whatever. Kaepernick was only sacked once last night and dude stood up and brushed it off like it was nothing.

Speaking of sacks: HOLY OMG ALDON SMITH. I am pretty sure I screamed “I love you!!!” seventeen times last night. Or at least five. And a half. Five and a half sacks! Is that even a thing? Apparently so because Aldon Smith is now your NFL sack leader. FIVE AND A HALF, PEOPLE. I die.

Terrell Brown and Dashon Goldson? Nice interceptions, boys. The cutest part? My best friend who at times can be a bit clueless about football (sorry, Meredith, but you did say in the third quarter that you felt SORRY for the Bears because they were losing so badly) announcing “Interceptions are my favorite.” Rightly so because holy bejesus do interceptions feel good. I mean, not good in the way that sacks feel good, but in a completely new and different way. If sacks are masturbating, interceptions are actual sex. Or something.

I feel like I could go on forever with this list. AND SO I WILL.

Andy Lee: Great work. Devin Hester was completely pointless and ineffective.

David Akers: First of all, despite what I may have said last week, I am way too lazy to actually go toilet paper someone’s house. You deserved it yes, but nice work making all three of your field goals. I’d prefer you make them when we actually need it, but I’ll take what I can get from you at this point.

NaVorro Bowman: Simply amazing. I hope you (YES HE IS TOTALLY READING THIS) and Patrick Willis play together as Niners for the rest of your lives.

And then… there’s Colin Kaepernick. The man behind the controversy. I’m sorry for doubting. I wasn’t the only one, but there wasn’t a single bone in my body that thought Kaepernick was going to come out and shine like he did. Simply amazing. I don’t know if I want him to start—frankly, Alex Smith has put up some pretty good numbers this year—but his play was inspired in a way that Smith’s often isn’t. Whether we want to admit it or not, it’s not always just about winning for the fans. Sure we love a good defense and running game, but it’s those deep down-the-field passes that make us jump out of our seat, our breath caught in our throats. And Smith doesn’t deliver that. But Kaepernick… well, so far: he does. My only beef if he becomes the starter? Having to type his g-d name a million times a week.

All in all, it was a glorious game. I was certainly worried, being surrounded by throngs of Bears fans. But it was actually kind of nice only having four or five people to high five after every amazing play. After all, there were SO many and my hands are tiny and delicate. It was also kind of funny to hear the man behind me get angrier and angrier, finally yelling at the end “Whatever. The Niners still suck!” To which I replied, “And what does that say about the Bears, sir?”

So yeah. Quarterback controversy. Egads. My bet? Alex Smith will start in New Orleans. He might even play for the rest of this year. But all of San Francisco will be watching and waiting, happy knowing that our back-up quarterback might actually be the future.

Now can someone come to my house with a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and seventeen Advil, please?