[By Daisy Barringer]

Since you’ve all been losing sleep worrying about my well being, I will first let you know that I am fine. I have recovered from the demoralizing loss to Arizona and even managed to shower and leave the house a few times this week.

I think in a few more days, I will finally be back to my normal perky and annoying self. Just in time for the 49ers to face off against the Steelers on Monday night. YAY! Listen, people: if there’s a game this year where I’m going to make an ass of myself and get in a fight: this is it. There will be tons of (super annoying, fly all the way to San Francisco because they don’t have a life because they live in Pittsburgh) Steelers fans at the game because these people travel to away games (see above parentheses). But that’s fine.

Or it will be. Just as long as we win.

But CAN we win? Let’s take a look:

The Bad

The Steelers are going to blitz like hell. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention lately, but our offensive line is injured and terrible and just UGH. They’ve allowed 18 sacks IN THE PAST THREE GAMES. Seriously people. That’s REALLY REALLY bad.

No word yet on Joe Staley who suffered a concussion in the Cardinals game. We need him on the field for our o-line to even stand a chance against the Steelers defense. For the record, Staley says he’s fine, but he still hadn’t been cleared to practice as of Thursday.

Patrick Willis also isn’t practicing. I can’t comment on this because it makes me too sad.

The 49ers have major issues in the red zone. If we can’t fix our inability to score in the red zone, we are going to make winning VERY difficult. We need to give the ball to Gore and let him run it in. We can’t risk Alex Smith throwing against the league’s best pass defense.

Speaking of: Has anyone seen our running game? It’s gone missing and I can’t figure out why. Gore’s our best weapon. Here’s a *free* idea, coaches: USE HIM.

Niners can’t stop the deep pass. It’s depressing, but it’s true. And considering we lost to Arizona because of three pass plays (ah, the glory of oversimplifying), the Steelers could feasibly brutalize us. And I don’t mean that in a sexy sweaty sheets kind of way. Although, we are dealing with Roethlisberger, so you never know! (Although he prefers doing his brutalizing in bathrooms, from what I’ve heard. You know: ALLEGEDLY or whatever.)

The Good

Linebacker James Harrison managed to get himself suspended for that helmet-to-helmet hit on Colt McCoy. YAY! There are people who say, “I want to play a healthy team to really prove that we are better.” And then there’s me: “I don’t care if we have to play their cheerleaders; I just want a mother (sorry Brock) f*ckin win.” Do kids read SFist? Do kids read? I can’t keep up anymore.

Having Harrison out is GREAT for the Niners. (His one-game suspension is being upheld.) Harrison has eight sacks this season and two forced fumbles (while missing four games) which means our offensive line and Alex Smith just caught a huge break. Thanks for being a total ass, Harrison. I’ll take it!

Ben Roethlisberger’s high ankle sprain kept him out of practice all week. He’s apparently limping badly (yes!) and had his ankle in a cast on Thursday. Now THERE’s a cast I’ll sign. That being said, this is Ben Roethlisberger we’re talking about and I feel pretty sure he’s going to start. So…aim for the ankle, boys!

Steely McBeam doesn’t travel to away games. Thank god because that mascot is hot and TOTALLY distracting.

Home field advantage on a Monday night on national television. Fancy! (Seriously people: BE LOUD. But not when our offense has the ball. I can’t believe that the 49ers organization has to explain to people how offense works, but there you go. Mortifying.)

The Rest of It

People are STILL calling this “a statement game.” I don’t see how EVERY SINGLE GAME the 49ers play can be a statement game, but there you have it. 2011: The season of non-stop statement games.

The 49ers are coming off a pretty embarrassing loss. They know they need to win this game to try to get the No. 2 seed in the playoffs and avoid having to play the Saints in the Superdome (terrifying). And they know the world will be watching. Well, fine. Maybe not the world. But lots of drunk Americans. And even some sober ones.

To be honest, I don’t feel great about this game. The 49ers have a LOT of issues on offense and even though I believe defenses can win games, I think our flaws may be too big for even them to overcome. As always, I hope the 49ers prove me wrong or that the Steelers spontaneously combust.

Also, I’m kind of sad that it’s going to be freezing cold and I can’t wear my sexy Santa outfit to a game this year. What? I just spent 800 words talking about the 49ers; it’s time to talk about me again. Sexy santa suit or not, I’ll be at the game screaming my pretty-little-head off (it’s something people say; also, I’m vain) and doing my best not to punch anyone in the head. You should do the same.

Prediction: A breath-holding, deals-with-God-making, nail-biting game that ends up with: SAN FRANCISCO over Pittsburgh. Barely.

Monday Morning Update:

Roethlisberger is a game-time decision, but Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said he's optimistic and that "if he's healthy enough, he'll play." My "professional" opinion is that we're going to see Big Ben (what a stupid, unoriginal nickname) on the field come game time. While the high ankle sprain means he'll have limited mobility, don't forget that he averages 8.5 yards per attempt from inside the pocket and 5.8 yards outside of it. Still...he's injured and that has to help our defense at least a little bit.

Joe Staley has been cleared to play and is healthy enough to come personally kick your ass if you even think about doing "The Wave."

Patrick Willis is listed as questionable (sigh), but don't expect him to play.

With a Titans loss yesterday, the Steelers clinched a spot in the playoffs. That being said, they have to win tonight to control the AFC North. If the Steelers and the Ravens end the season with identical records, the Ravens will win the division since they hold the 2-0 head-to-head tie-breaker over the Steelers. So many hyphens! Long story short: The Steelers have something to play for tonight and Baltimore fans will be rooting for the Niners to win.

Finally, the Steelers fans are out in full force today. I've already had to talk some smack to a bunch of dudes in Pittsburgh gear outside the McDonald's on 3rd and Townsend (don't worry--they were eating there, not me) and I plan to continue being boldly obnoxious to anyone in black and yellow ALL day long.

GO NINERS!