It's once again time for us, your trusty SFist editors, to sum up the Must Reads, the Funny Reads, and the Don't Bothers from the alt weeklies, because who really has the time to figure this out themselves except those commuting to and from Pleasanton who aren't afraid of inky fingers?

SF Weekly

Worth Reading: Peter Jamison pens this week's cover piece, which centers on the wildly entertaining and somewhat frightening accused con artist Pearlasia Gamboa and her husband David Korem. She lives in Redwood City and has been investigated by the Securities and Exchange Commission for fraudulently soliciting investments in an allegedly phony Philippine gold-mining operation. Also, she and her now estranged husband claim a large stake in an essentially non-existent South Pacific island nation, an "ecclesiastical state" called the Dominion of Melchizedek, which has published its own version of the Bible and is kind of a fictional front for con artists across the world. Anyway, completely fascinating, and will definitely be made into a film.

Funny: There was an article last week published by the Village Voice about the weird ads warning people about sex trafficking, and the campaign that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are on to end trafficking. This week, Tony Ortega pens a follow-up about the perhaps overblown panic over "trafficking," and CNN's Amber Lynn — who's apparently been going after Village Voice Media the same way she did Craigslist regarding the adult-friend-finding ads they serve at Backpage.com.

Don't Bother: Wondering what's going to happen if the State of California decides to close some state parks and beaches? No one really knows. Probably nothing.