What's that? You haven't picked up an actual newspaper since the early aughts? Neither have we. But luckily most everything in the free weeklies is online, and therefore no trees need be killed. Also, our summaries could help you skip the process altogether, but occasionally they report on something actually riveting, so... [Note: There's actually something screwy with a few of the links on the Weekly's homepage, so you couldn't even read the stories yesterday if you tried! But all should be as-is today.]

SF Weekly

Some may recall the tale of defrocked Jesuit priest and USF teacher Donald McGuire, who's now serving a federal prison sentence for molesting multiple Bay Area boys over the course of a couple of decades. Well, now court documents in a new trial against the Jesuits are coming out that "reveal the full extent to which his [Jesuit] colleagues and bosses were aware of his highly questionable relationships with teenage boys," and everything they did to cover it up.

Also, hookah lounges and hotel lobbies and banquet rooms are no longer going to be places where smoking is allowed, if a new State Senate bill passes. But, um, we didn't even know you could still smoke in hotel lobbies or banquet rooms.