Warren Hellman, chairman of local private equity investment firm Hellman & Friedman, amateur banjo player and major sponsor of the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, has come up with some crackpot scheme to turn the San Francisco Chronicle into a non-profit pit into which Hearst Corp. would continue to dump its money without seeing any return--sort of like a motorboat, or a fixer-upper, or a child who never amounts to anything.