We have a winner in our Fake Tales of San Francisco contest! As you may recall, we're giving out "The Heart Is Deceitful" movie swag to the person who came up with the best, most fakest San Francisco story. After disqualifying Matier and Ross when the Gavin dating a Scientologist actress thing came true, our winner is...... KWillets, for this tragic tale of San Francisco gone very, very wrong.

"Speak up Patrick", I said breathlessly as I dashed out the door and across the spotless sidewalk, "I can never hear you, and my bus will be here in 60 seconds." He pointed up the street, where I noticed a police car. "Big graffitti bust" he said softly, "biggest thing since the drug bust back in '97!". "Drugs?" I said, flabbergasted, "on Lower Haight?" He nodded soberly. "Yes, who would believe it, now that we have the HOPE VI program. Hey, watch out for those dirty needles." Looking down, I noticed a pair of beat up knitting needles on the sidewalk, and stepped over them carefully. "Used rubbers too" I remarked, gesturing at some worn galoshes. "Yeah, they're left over from that shooting we had last night", he added, "looks like another Robin Williams blockbuster."

A man in chef's garb passed by, carrying a broken saucepan. "Which way is the pot club?" he asked. As I pointed him up towards the 400 block, I saw the 71 making its way around one of the hourly meter patrols. "Darn, my watch must be slow!" I muttered.

Suddenly a man dashed into the crosswalk, pursued by a group of what appeared to be reporters. "No interviews! No photographs! Not until this crack problem is cleaned up" he cried. "But Mayor Newsom! What possibly do you mean" shouted one pursuer. "I'm talking about this!" he cried, pointing at the roadway, where a tiny hairline fracture had developed in the year-old pavement.

Congratulations, KWillets!! We'll be getting in touch with you to figure out where to send your prize.

Snarky closeup of the Deceitful poster at the Castro Theater by Mermaniac