FDA Guarding Against Fabulous Sperm

We must confess that we're rather attached to our bodily fluids. But not everyone hoards theirs as selfishly as we, and that's got the FDA all riled up: under new recommendations, gays will probably soon be barred from donating spooge. Which is a shame, because they're more closely acquainted with the substance than anyone.

The FDA, bless its heart, is worried about AIDS. Rumor has it, it's a new Gay Plague! We'd better quarantine all homofluids -- just to be safe, you understand. And let's assume -- again, in the name of public safety, not out of any sort of reproductive prejudice -- that every single queer in the world is an HIV+ whore, and that straight peoples' pureness of heart makes them immune to disease. Fellas who've been monogamously coupling with their HIV- husbands for the past decade are way more likely to carry the disease than men who've been humping anonymous lady hookers on top of a pile of used syringes ... right?

Of course, doctors (such as Dr. Deborah Cohan at UCSF, who says, "I can't think of a scientifically valid reason -- it has to be an issue of discrimination,") are rolling their eyes. Gay groups have suggested that a more effective way to screen out HIV+ sperm would be to bar promiscuous donors rather than gay ones. But, hey, wouldn't that be discrimination against heterosexual sluts?

Homos sure do have it good: they'll never get drafted, they don't have to feel guilty about not donating blood, and their marriages are stronger. It sure would be a pity if they disappeared from the gene pool, thus depriving future generations of such luxuries.