Surely you're just dying to know something, right? So what is it? Where to get glass cut?  What to do about that ex who keeps stalking you?  Why the Sutro Tower is red and white and not plaid? Who sings that song that's stuck in your head?  How best to mate with attractive members of the opposite sex while hanging upside down from a lamppost? What's up with James Joyce and that stupid eye patch?

At long last you've got a place to go with your burning questions and a person to throw cold water all over them once you get there: the Essefficist. Tuesdays used to mean sirens at noon, John Coltrane on KPOO or just one more day until the Home & Garden section. From now on, though, you'll always know Tuesday as the one shining moment in the week when you can turn to your old pal and mentor, the Essefficist, to help you with all of your moral quandaries, stupid questions, dark mysteries and ignorant enquiries.

So c'mon, what's eating at you?  Why the Giants' bullpen is so bad?  How to install a dimmer switch?  Why God keeps telling you to sleep with that homeless guy down the street?  Is it wrong to use free movie passes your work gave you when you sneak out of work to go to the movies a block away from your office?  How best to get your bosses' songs on Live 105?

Today, in our inaugural session, let's turn to regular SFist reader Dirty McGee for the Essefficist's first head-scratcher.