by Daisy Barringer
Thirteen straight 49ers losses in a row conditioned me to believe this joke of a team wouldn’t win another game all year. And though it’s true all of those losses had been a good thing for weeks because of draft position, after the Cleveland Browns got their first win of the season on Saturday, it was suddenly even a better thing.
If the 49ers could just keep on losing, we might have a shot at the first pick in the draft. And when you have absolutely nothing to root for because of terrible ownership, a horrible front office, and lackluster players, suddenly, a first round draft pick becomes a real thing to wish for. A beacon of hope in a totally hopeless season.
And I believed we had a shot at that draft pick. I believed it because the 49ers are truly that bad. And I was totally okay with that for the remainder of the season. I’d come to terms with it. I’d come to expect it. And more than that, I’d come to hope for it.
So for the entire game against the Los Angeles Rams on Christmas Eve, I was certain the Niners would lose. After all, that’s what we do now. I was so sure we’d lose that I was worried I would have nothing to write about. I mean, how many times can I say “Fire Jed York and Trent Baalke” before I’m boring even myself?
And so I wrote an acrostic—you know, one of those poems where the first letter of each line spells out a word or message. And, no, the message wasn’t “Fire Jed York” although that would have been better than “San Francisco Forty Niners” now that I think about.
I was finishing up that potentially Pulitzer-prize winning poem with just a few minute left in the game when Colin Kaepernick had the audacity to lead the offense down the field and throw a touchdown pass to make it so the 49ers were only down by one with 31 seconds left in the game.
It was at this point that I screamed the F-word so loudly that my enormous dog who doesn’t flinch during fireworks or wake up during thunderstorms took one look at me and fled to the farthest, darkest corner of my apartment, which he refused to leave until my second head retreated back into my neck (and I gave him lots of treats).
But despite his overreaction, the screaming was warranted. Because if there was one thing the 1-13 San Francisco 49ers were not supposed to do against the L.A. Rams in Week 16 ON CHRISTMAS EVE, it was win the game. Sure, there was no guarantee we’d get the first draft pick. And yes, there was the chance that York wouldn’t actually fire Trent Baalke. And of course, that probably meant that then Baalke would use the pick to draft a kicker with a torn ACL, but still THERE WAS HOPE.
And even though the Niners were now just down by one, all hope was not lost. Maybe they’ll just kick the extra point, the game will go into a painful overtime, and the Rams will win it there, I told myself. At least there might be that
BUT NO. THE STUPID 49ERS WENT FOR TWO AND KAP RAN THE BALL IN AND MAYBE THERE WAS SOME MORE YELLING BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER BECAUSE EVERYTHING WENT RED AND THEN BLACK AND NO I AM NOT GOING TO SEEK HELP FOR ANGER MANAGEMENT EVEN THOUGH MAYBE I DEFINITELY SHOULD.
So yeah, the stupid 49ers were up 22-21. But I wasn’t drinking the cyanide yet because the Rams still had half a minute to score a field goal. And Christmas Dreams are real. Or so I thought.
SO I THOUGHT UNTIL JARED GOFF THREW THE FOOTBALL RIGHT INTO RASHARD ROBINSON’S HANDS FOR AN INTERCEPTION THAT ENDED THE GAME. (Okay, maybe Christmas dreams do come true for some people; it was the rookie cornerback’s first career interception, which had to feel pretty good. FOR HIM.)
And that, my friends, is the story of how the San Francisco 49ers won their second game of the season even though they were definitely supposed to lose it and ruined Christmas AND your chances of getting a truly awful poem about this season written by yours truly. (There’s always next week.)
To make things even worse, Raiders QB Derek Carr also broke his fibula and is out for the season. Yeah, you know things are dark in Daisy-land when I’m actually sad that the Raiders playoff hopes are suddenly looking a lot grimmer. But whatever—the Raiders have been fun to watch this year though and no one likes to see a team’s chances of making it to the Super Bowl plummet because of injury.
On that happy note: I hope you have the best holidays ever and that your dog/husband/partner/child doesn’t ignore you because you’re terrifying. And that all of YOUR Christmas Dreams come true. It’s too late for me, so I’m gonna pour myself a glass of wine seven and sulk.
Next Week: The (9-5-1) Seattle Seahawks travel to “San Francisco” to play the (2-13) 49ers. The Seahawks are 1st in the NFC West, but they still need to win this game (and get some help) if they want to avoid playing two games on the road to get to the Super Bowl. The good news for them and that cud-chewing cow Pete Carroll is they’ll definitely win. It’s going to be a terrible way to start 2017, but I’m on the case.