Everyone recalls last season's glut of Great Gatsby-themed tech company holiday parties: Ignoring talk of a tech bubble, Facebook, Yahoo, and Google all independently chose that theme, an ironic selection to anyone who may have finished the book or understood it. This year, despite some belt-tightening in the tech sector, companies such as these are expected to reward their employees with holiday cheer. But unlike years past, it's likely that the most elaborate ideas were eliminated in favor of more modest celebrations (though we'll have to see). Here are some themes that we imagine to have been rejected:
Determined to prove that despite an acquisition by Microsoft it was still a cool and edgy company, the social network for professionals LinkedIn had initially hoped to throw a "Burning Man" themed holiday party. That idea fizzled when employees pointed out that Burning Man is a professional networking event, making the theme a bit on the nose.*
Socially conscious Airbnb gave serious thought to charitable party themes this year: A "Standing With Standing Rock/#NODAPL" theme, though initially floated, was deemed "appropriative" by employees with liberal arts degrees. As a compromise, Airbnb's events committee settled on a "Coachella" theme, which will still allow attendees to wear headdresses and Native American garb.
Tesla CEO Elon Musk had hopes that his company SpaceX, which hopes to colonize Mars, could grant engineers a glimpse of Christmas on the red planet. Several explosions that were nothing to worry about, however, spooked employees, who are being permitted to celebrate the holidays on earth, for now.
Uber CEO Travis Kalanick had already picked out his black 10-gallon cowboy hat when board members shut down his proposed holiday party theme, "Christmas at Westworld." Although the company's artificial intelligence unit assured Kalanick that it was progressing quickly, its "hosts" aren't quite ready to be shot at. Unforunately, no Uber driver-partners were willing to step in even when the company offered to pay surge pricing rates offered. Without healthcare, contractors balked at the expense of emergency room visits with a gunshot wounds.
Westworld + Xmas.
Employees at Zenefits, whose party culture days are now behind it, had suggested a "speakeasy" theme as a commentary on their new corporate leadership's disdain for office drinking and unseemly behavior. That was rejected over concerns that employees would just start fucking in the stairwell again. This year's company holiday party will once again be a dry affair.
Palantir's Peter Thiel, the billionaire Paypal cofounder and newly-minted member of the Trump transition team, was forced to cancel his company's holiday blood drive amid employee concerns that his interest in their plasma was not entirely charitable.
A similar fate met another holiday blood drive, this one to be held by Theranos. Although the Palo Alto-based healthcare startup did make donation arrangements with the Red Cross, unlike Palantir, federal officials were forced to intercede. The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services have forbidden CEO Elizabeth Holmes from going anywhere near needles or blood-sampling equipment for at least two years.
Finally, after a difficult year and no bids when it was apparently for sale, Twitter was particularly eager to increase employee morale. Tragically, there just weren't enough funds to rent out AT&T Park AND maintain a team committed to fighting trolls and harassment on the platform. It's still unclear what decision CEO Jack Dorsey intends to make there.
*According to a tip to SFist, LinkedIn has hired art cars usually seen at the playa and may indeed, in real life, be planning a Burning Man-themed party in the coming days. Though SFist was unable to confirm that, it inspired this satirical piece, and would still be a laugh, in my book, if it happened. We'll let you know.
Related: The Irony!: Three Big Tech Companies All Had Great Gatsby-Themed Holiday Parties This Year
