Sex, love, and other mysteries in the city your mother warned you about.
For many of us, 2016 began with a kiss and a little bit of hope. For others, you're not alone, in the sense that others were also alone. Either way, in this shiny new year, you may have resolved to date better, love more fully, and just generally act more responsibly in your sex life. Let's check in on that. A week in to this magical 365 days, you're telling me you've totally cleaned up your act? Wow. Well, if you haven't sabotaged your 2016 dating resolutions yet, here's a best practices guide for how to do just that.
Resolution: Go on more dates!
How To Break It: Reader: this will be easy. As you may recall from 2015, all it takes is a couple bad dates to send you running to the nunnery or SFPCA adoption center. But do keep at it! Shoot for the moon! Still, remember — as you quickly will — why you may have spent December in relative seclusion with friends and family. That shit is good for you too.
Resolution: Do more fun stuff on dates.
How To Break It: Shouldn't be long before I see you back on that coffee/bar date crawl. But hey, be optimistic, okay? Start with a date at a museum, then maybe go to a concert or two. At least try a new cocktail bar. Then check your bank account statement and recall that you have your friends' sister's Netflix account with which to "and chill."
Resolution: Never drunk text.
How To Break It: Drink near your phone.
heyy uaaa up?
heyy
u up
On Sober January? Your texts will be received on April Fool's Day, then.
Resolution: Sleep around less.
How To Break It: See: Drunk texting. Also, See: 2016. Bad resolution.
Resolution: Swipe more selectively.
How To Break It: Yes, swipe wisely, but be warned. That itch for the instant gratification of a match which, though you intellectually realize in no way represents a date or a relationship, will be back. Get scratching, and soon you will be in a perma-swipe frenzy. There's no shame in casting a wide net.
Resolution: Meet more people IRL — in bars, at parties, etc.
How To Break It: Do go to parties. Do go to bars. Do get bored. Then see people on their phones, and — this is called "ideation" — follow suit. Who knows, you could match with someone in the other room! This is called convenience.
Resolution: Be more sexually open.
How To Break It: Meet someone who is into some nasty shit. Try being open to [x] — Yeah, thought so. Seriously, do try something new this year — by all means, expand your repertoire — but start in the shallow end, because that [x] shit is a motherfucking black diamond.
Resolution: Let your friends set you up.
How To Break It: Realize what your friends think of you when your friends set you up. Seriously guys?
Resolution: Be optimistic about love.
How To Break It: Get down on yourself. Get rejected. See couples break up. All of this ought to do it. But. Start over! Have heart, acknowledge when you're discouraged, and put yourself back out there. Someone will surely surprise you, and you'll surprise them, and maybe you'll both be reminded why you felt this impulse in the first place. Hey, you might even try [x], just to make them happy. You might end up liking it a little bit yourself.
Previously: Eff-ing In SF, Vol. 3: What He's REALLY Saying When He Sends A Dick Pic
Eff-ing In SF, Vol. 2: I Left My Heart In San Francisco, Should I Post To Craigslist?
Eff-ing In SF, Vol. 1: How To Use Tinder
