Sex, love, and other mysteries in the city your mother warned you about.

Since he isn't exactly using his words when he sends you one, interpreting a so-called "dick pic" can be a struggle. "What is he trying to tell me?" you might reasonably ask yourself when you see the kind of literal junk photo flying around screens all over cities like San Francisco. "What does he mean?" you may think. Or, most importantly, "What the fuck is he thinking?" you could wonder. Well, dear dick pic recipient, much of that depends on the sender himself. Let's break it down.

She find pictures in my e-mail
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good with that shit

—Kanye West, Runaway

The Flasher:
This dick pic sender is much like his cousin, the trench coat-clad lurker who waits to expose himself to unsuspecting passersby, only with the addition of a cell phone contract. His sense of power stems from the horror and disgust of his — there is no other word — victim. Most dick pic senders are members of this category in some sense or another and should be treated as such, their astounding technological capabilities aside. "Look on my powerlessness with the contempt it deserves," he appears to say, "and maybe call the cops."

The Phallocentrist:
Reacting to his (possibly accurate) perception of societal and emotional impotence, this man has fixated on his own phallus out of desperation and despair. "Block me," he says. "Please block me, I'm totally worthless."

The Gay Man:
In today's Grindr culture, sending a dick pic is a power play, a chess move that — if properly executed — can result in an immediate checkmate. "This is my dick," the sender is saying, "Now send me yours." This is seen by many as de rigeur, and you'd better have a few angles ready.

The Troll:
Deep within his basement layer, the troll awakens from his Dominos and gaming-induced stupor to attempt speech. His dick pic is a wail of agony that, he imagines, if heard — or rather, seen — might bring the recipient down to his actual level of lonely horror. "GAAAAAHHHHHHHH," he cries.

The Hideous Man:
"I am disgusting," this man says, and is even more correct than he could know. "My penis is the least hideous aspect of my otherwise gruesome form," he believes, "so I'm going to lead with it."

Your Boyfriend:
This sender presumes the recipient's familiarity with the penis in question, and either waits for a picture to be solicited or asks permission to send it. "This organ is a part of our shared pleasure," he might be seen as suggesting, "This dick is not mine, but ours."

Previously: Eff-ing In SF, Vol. 1: How To Use Tinder
Eff-ing In SF, Vol. 2: I Left My Heart In San Francisco, Should I Post To Craigslist?