It’s pretty clear the 49ers have some major issues to address.

by Daisy Barringer

While you were all out hiking and brunching and having morning sex or whatever it is normal, happy people do, I was, once again, torturing myself by sitting in a bar at 10 a.m. watching the 49ers. The truth is, I can still enjoy watching football even if the Niners lose. However, in order to find the experience worthwhile, they need to at least make the game interesting. And this current team is wholly incapable of doing even that.

No seriously: They suck so bad.

I kept saying, “They COULD still win this game” and maybe (definitely) it was the beer talking because while a football team with any kind of skill or coaching could have won that game, the San Francisco 49ers that showed up yesterday (albeit with Carlos Hyde and Anquan Boldin on the sidelines) never had a chance.

I mean, so bad. Like soooooo bad.

The upsetting part is I don’t think the 49ers even wanted to win. (Maybe they really are going for the first pick in the draft?) There was no urgency and the play calling was terrible. I swear, if I never see Colin Kaepernick throw another short pass to the sideline again, it’ll still be too soon.

At least with Carlos Hyde… and then Reggie Bush… and then Mike Davis ALL injured (the latter two possibly out for the entire season), we could have enjoyed watching Australian rugby star Jarryd Hayne run the ball, but nooooooo. The Niners even took that away when they cut him on Saturday to promote Kendall Gaskins from the practice squad. Gaskins was literally the only healthy runner by the second half and he had six yards on five carries and yes you read that right because I literally just triple checked it because I couldn’t believe numbers that terrible were even possible. The only good news is that the Niners suck SO much, there’s actually a chance no one will pick Hayne up in an attempt to “block” us and so he might be signed back to the practice squad come Tuesday.

Why do I care about Jarryd Hayne who seems to enjoy fumbling the ball and still has a ton to learn about playing in the NFL? Because literally there’s nothing else to care about right now when it comes to the 49ers. Somehow Hayne was a glimmer of hope for the future and was at least fun to watch. But no, Jed York and Trent Baalke couldn’t even give us that. They had to take it away while simultaneously pissing off thousands and thousands of brand new Australian fans. Dicks.

At this point, I think it’s pretty clear the 49ers have some major issues to address. Personally, I think the biggest one is the ownership, but we all know Jed’s not going anywhere ever. Like, literally, if you’re any older than 40, you should probably start accepting that when you’re living out your final days in the nursing home, Jed York will still be running the team. (Sorry if I just ruined your day/week/life.)

But since there’s nothing to be done about York, let’s look at the things that can change. Namely Kaepernick. Facts are facts: dude just isn’t that good. I don’t know if he’s not smart or if he needs glasses, but he simply cannot get more than one look down the field, which means even when there are WIDE open men, he’s not seeing them, much less throwing to them. The proof is in his 78.8 passer rating and the fact that the only guy putting points on the board is Phil Dawson.

At this point, the Niners should probably just bench Kap in favor of Blaine Gabbert and not because Gabbert will be any better but because if Kap stays healthy, the Niners can let him go in the offseason without having to pay him any major amounts of money. But if he suffers a career-ending injury (which, let’s face it: is totally possible with this offensive line and Kap’s love of running the ball), the Niners are on the hook for a ton of cash.

And after Kap gets benched (a decision that will not be made by Tomsula, but by Trent Baalke because Tomsula doesn’t have that kind of power even though he’s the head coach), the Niners really need to figure out what to do about this abysmal coaching staff, none of whom should ever have been hired to their current positions in the first place.

The only problem? None of that actually fixes anything. This team is awful. And the only answer is a total and complete overhaul. That can’t happen this season. And the sad thing is it won’t actually happen before the next one starts. Jed York and Trent Baalke are simply incapable of making good, smart decisions. And because of them, we’re going to be stuck watching really bad football for a long, long time.

Pass the beer.

Next Week: The (6-2) Atlanta Falcons come to Santa Clara. The 49ers will lose. Who wants to buy my tickets? Anyone? Yeah, that’s what I thought.