Jeez, Eve, my landlord won't even let me get a cat you say. Yeah, it's tough out there! But maybe your landlord will be won over if you show up with what one Northern California ranch says a super trendy pet: a fainting goat.
As a user of the internet, you are doubtlessly familiar with myotonic, aka fainting, goats. These little (they max out at about two feet tall) goats don't actually faint — they have a condition called myotonia congenita, in which their muscles freeze up when they feel panic. Lots of animals (including people) can experience myotonia congenita, but for some reasons it seems particularly hilarious when it happens to goats. It's a phenomenon even explored on Mythbusters a few years ago:
On what appears to be a near-annual visit to Aspen Acres, "a small ranch located half way between Sanger and Clovis," ABC30 reports that "people love to buy" members of the ranch's herd of fainting goats "as pets."
"They've become very popular. They're like your new dog," says Lillian Paul, Aspen Acres' owner.
According to Aspen Acres' site, "fainting goats have soft voices and some make no sounds," which already gives them one advantage over most dogs. However, they're going to be a little higher-maintenance than dogs, as they typically lose their upright shit when it's feeding time.
"Usually, it's when they're trying to jump up on a table or something," Paul says.
"They don't make it all way and they fall over and faint."
Another pro: male fainting goats that are "banded" (that means they're castrated, here's a how-to with pictures if you want to band your own!) "will never have an odor or try to breed and will stay lovable and loyal." (Insert Borscht Belt-level joke about marriage here.)
You can scroll through the available goats here. They go for between $215-$325, and if you get one you'd better invite me over to meet him or her. I am serious.