We've spent plenty of time providing you with Best Of lists that will probably make you fat. So now it's time to talk about the places you can go to feel healthy and pampered, perhaps during a cleanse, so that you can go back to eating and boozing next week. Some of these are places where you can get naked with others in a non-sexual way, and some of these are places where you can just drop in to get your toes done. A few others are where you go to spend hundreds of dollars on a full-tilt, treat-yoself kind of day, with scrubs, massages, waxes and the works. So, depending on your level of financial commitment to indulging yourself, you should be able to find something here that will do you right.

Archimedes Banya
This big, fairly basic, co-ed bathhouse and spa in Hunters Point has two traditional Russian saunas, as well as hot and cold soaking pools, aromatherapy and hydrotherapy services, exfoliation, and Platza massages. There's also a weird little cafe with kombucha and soup, and a roof deck with views of the Bay — as well as a bar mezzanine that serves beer. And you can go check the place out for just a $37 day pass, or get a fuller experience with massage and a spa service of your choice for $140. Some spaces are clothing-optional as well as co-ed (and unlike Kabuki there are no single-sex days here), but remember "nude is not lewd." — Jay Barmann
748 Innes Ave (Near Arelious Walker in Hunters Point)


Earthbody Day Spa
Specializing in massage, and couples massage, this little spa in Hayes Valley was voted the best day spa in the city by SF Weekly one year, and has some seriously glowing reviews on Yelp (and a 5-star rating) if you're not convinced. It's very soothing and San Francisco in this place, with soft-spoken staff and a founder, Denmo Ibrahim, who keeps a blog about self-care and meditation and stuff. And it's definitely the place you want to go if you're treating yourself, or your boyfriend/girlfriend, to a non-hotel, non-bougie but still very pampering spa experience. — Jay Barmann
534 Laguna Street between Hayes and Linden, 415-552-7200

Remède at the St. Regis
Indulge in a sublime, sophisticated atmosphere where a dedicated staff attends to your every desire before you know what it is. Luxe locker areas sport cedar-lined lockers and separate whirlpools, steam rooms, and saunas for men and women. Champagne. Handmade truffles. You'll need those while you wait for a spa therapist or beauty treatment at the Laboratoire, which is the French word for "laboratory." Of course, glamorous views will leave you glowing — if you decide to leave at all. To make an appointment or simply to speak to a soothing voice, call (415) 284-4060. — Caleb Pershan
125 3rd Street between Mission and Howard Streets

(Photo: Bliss Spa)

Bliss at the W
It's true, Bliss is a chain like Target or In-N-Out or Nordstrom, so don't go there expecting a mom-and-pop, only in SF vibe. But, let's be honest: some days, you might not want or need local color, you just want reliable, efficient, clean service from pros you know are being held to some sort of corporate standard. (I said "some days!" Not always, of course.) You can always count on Bliss for a good deep-tissue massage, a painless and non-judgmental facial, an excellent mani-pedi, and a clean and relaxing locker room area with steam sauna to relax in when they're all done with you. And, yeah, there's a brownie bar, so it's not about health here so much as pampering. -- Eve Batey
Bliss Spa, 181 Third Street, 4th Floor. 415-817-4100

(Photo: Spa Vitale)

Spa Vitale
The spa at the Hotel Vitale is tucked away on an upper floor with its own, bamboo-enclosed outdoor patio with deep soaking tubs. The massage therapists all have top-notch training (read their bios here), but if you don't even want to spring for a full treatment, you can just spend $60 to have a bath personally drawn for you to soak in for 25 minutes on that pretty patio, and then go downstairs and treat yourself to a Manhattan at Americano. —Jay Barmann
Hotel Vitale, 8 Mission Street at the Embarcadero, 415-278-3788

Burke Williams
Did someone order a steaming pile of LUXURY? Take a whiff. That's that nasty stank of pure fucking relaxation. The Burke Williams Spa (located inside the Westfield Mall, if you can imagine) experience will extract the unruly brats, subpar maids, and couldn't-catch-an-Uber-to-save-your-life pandemonium clogging your pores. It's the perfect place to go if you're rich and are under the impression that you actually have problems and/or real stress. Also of note? They've got a fireplace. So that's nice. —Brock Keeling
845 Market (at the Westfield Mall), level 5; 415-694-7980

Photo: Facebook

M Spa
This spot in the Castro offers an array of massage services, from Swedish to sports, as well as facials and back facials (!), but it's also where to get a proper boyzilian. They cater to man stuff like chest and back waxing, but also can do your basic brow- or lash-tinting. And, a couple bonuses: All new clients automatically get 15 percent off, and every Sunday from 11 to 1 they hand out free mimosas with every treatment. —Jay Barmann
2187 Market Street near Sanchez, 415-556-9100

Oh yeah.

Nob Hill Spa at the Scarlet Huntington San Francisco
Power. Relaxation. Purification. Here in the holy waters of the Huntington Hotel Nob Hill Spa you can cleanse away the sins of stress with amenities like massages, a workout room, pedicures, water infused with the finest fruits, and a pool that goes on forever and is sometimes referred to as an "infinity pool." All that is fine, but the best bit is the views of the city. They. Are. Stunning. For emergency spa treatments call 415-345-2888 right away. — Caleb Pershan
1075 California Street at Taylor Street

Photo courtesy Kabuki Springs and Spa

Kabuki Springs and Spa
Sure, they have spa treatments galore, but the real reason to hit the Kabuki are their communal baths. You know that scene in Eastern Promises? You could totally imagine that at the Kabuki. You're not allowed to talk (someone bangs a gong at you if you do, no joke) and phones aren't allowed, so it's the perfect place to fully disconnect. Speaking of disconnecting, this is a naked place but it's not a sex club, so folks who as much as stare too long will promptly get the boot. Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday is for the ladies, Monday, Thursday, and Saturday is for the gentlemen, and Tuesday is co-ed (bathing suits required). You can hang out in there for the entire day, snarfing up all the bath products and tea you can handle, for $25, or for $15 if you get a spa treatment. They often fill to capacity, so reservations are recommended. -- Eve Batey
1750 Geary Boulevard at Fillmore

Photo of Hand Job: Hand Job proprietor bao n./Yelp

Hand Job Salon and Spa
Yeah, the name is a little hard to take (don't even bother googling them, geez), but the quality of service you get will distract you from their moniker. Flop on their couch and get a manicure and/or pedicure while you're plied with free champagne (the discriminating palates at Yelp say it's Cook's, but, hey, it's on the house), no stiff chairs or awkward manicure tables here. Unlike some places, they're just as ready to serve men as they are women, they don't balk at cutting women's nails very short, and they won't let you leave until your polish is completely dry (no flimsy flip flops or weird purse maneuvers here). If you're feeling flush, I recommend the Million Dollar Hand Job (which is actually "only" $150) during with three spa techs work simultaneously on your hands, feet, and face, like you're Dorothy getting ready to meet the Wizard or something. -- Eve Batey
565 Castro between 18th and 19th Streets

(Photo credit: David Wakley Photography via SenSpa)

A converted warehouse on the Presidio's eastern edge near the Palace of Fine Arts holds SenSpa, where Thai, Shiatsu and deep-tissue massages will revivify your knotted, corpselike form. If that doesn't work, try popular techniques like acupuncture treatments, mudbaths, and naturopathic "medicine." Or, if it suits your fancy, simply lounge about in a tea garden, nod off by a fireplace, or chill in the eucalyptus steam room. Couples packages are offered.— Caleb Pershan
1161 Gorgas Avenue (Near Richardson Avenue in the Presidio), 415-441-1777

Photo: Wesley C./Yelp