by Daisy Barringer

“Are you going to embarrass yourself the entire game?” This came from a random dude in the bar who apparently did not understand a girl’s need to stand up and scream “SUCK IT, SEATTLE!” at the TV really loudly when Ahmad Brooks sacked Russell Wilson on 3rd-and-10 during Seattle’s first drive.

The thing about embarrassing oneself, of course, is that if one isn’t capable of feeling embarrassment, then it’s not really a thing she can do. And considering I’m the same girl who literally threw her entire body onto the floor of a bar last week after a Kap interception while on a quasi-first-date, I’m pretty sure that a boy chastising me for yelling at the television wasn’t going to ever convince me I should be quieter and more ladylike.

Of course, as the game progressed, it became clear that, sadly, there was going to be less and less stuff for which to gleefully mock Seattle.

The 49ers however…

Headlines around the Bay today say things like “49ers, again, don’t look like themselves” and “49ers’ season doomed by losses that shouldn’t have happened,” but taking the entire season thus far into consideration, I have to disagree. The 49ers yesterday looked exactly like themselves: inconsistent, uncertain, and pretty terrible all around. And sure, there were a bunch of losses this season that shouldn’t have happened, but they did happen, which, if you believe in things like the universe, or whatever, means they actually SHOULD have happened. You know, ‘cause they did.

Frankly, what would have been more surprising in the 49ers 17-7 loss yesterday to Seattle — a loss the officially knocked them out of playoff contention — would have been if the offensive line hadn’t allowed six sacks. Or if Kaepernick had shown up in the second half. Or if Vernon Davis had been on the field. Oh wait, he WAS on the field. My bad.

Of course there were other factors at play yesterday: It felt like every single player on the Niners was injured before the game, so to have Gore, Brooks, Hyde, Borland, and Celek all leave the game and not return was just, well, insult to injury. And of course the fourth-quarter roughing-the-passer call that set the Seahawks up for their final touchdown of the game, which will be one of many horrible calls we bitch about in what’s sure to be a very long and depressing offseason.

But I am done making excuses for the Niners. Yes, injuries are a real thing and for sure they hurt us big time all season long, but the rest of it? The fact that Kaepernick has so clearly regressed, and that Greg Roman loves field goals so much he wants to marry ALL of them, and whatever the crap is that has been going on with Harbaugh either in the locker room or in front offices (but definitely in the media)… THAT is the stuff that hurt us. THOSE are the reasons our season is over with two games left to play and we aren’t going to the playoffs for the first time since Harbaugh took over as head coach.

Sigh.

The worst part is that we actually still have to play two meaningless games. Well, meaningless for us. San Diego has to win their next two games to even have a shot at the playoffs and while the Cardinals are still one game ahead of the Seahawks in the NFC West, they play Seattle next Sunday and then finish in San Francisco. Sorry: Santa Clara. FML.

Seriously, do I have to go to those games? Because I’d rather spend the day licking up dog vomit while someone shoves needles in my eye than make the drive to Timbuktu to watch the Niners suck it up even more.

And on that note, I’m clearly too grumpy to write anything of substance. So for now, here are my final thoughts:

Kaepernick sucks. Seriously, he’s not the QB that we thought he was going to be and we put all of our eggs in his stupid basket and it terrifies me that he’s the dude who’s supposed to lead the team hahahahaahahha yeah NO.

Harbaugh. Who knows? It appears he’s gone as of December 29th. I love Harbaugh. I don’t want him to go anywhere. Sadly, the Niners don’t care what I (or any of the fans) think. Has he lost the locker room? Do the players not respect him? Is it just that he and Trent Baalke don’t see eye to eye? Is Jed York totally unable to tell them both to put on their big boy panties and work it the eff out? Guess not. Sucks for us, but again: no one at the San Francisco 49ers organization cares about us. If anything became clear this season, it was that.

Good news though (for me, not you). If there’s one silver lining in all of this, the boy I watched the game with yesterday (yes, I did that AGAIN because I never learn) would never tell me to stop embarrassing myself during a Niners game… yes, even if I threw myself on the floor and screamed at the TV and cried. What? It’s clearly the test I have to put them all through. Good news for him (me?): he passed.

Go Cardinals.