Police Captain David Lazar of Central Station says that from January 1 through September 30 there were about 1,800 car break-ins, up roughly 400 percent from the same period last year. "Are the phone thieves switching to break-ins?" wonders C.W. Nevius, citing the implementation of cell-phone kill switches even though those won't become statewide law until next July, and then only for new phones.
Nevius-speculating aside, this brings us to a particularly strange break-in last night in. In fact, it was so odd that the owner of a Black Scion xB (parked in the Lower Haight) felt compelled to pen this open letter to a would-be thief on Craigslist's "missed connections" section. It sounds like not much was taken, which bizarrely offended the poster. Assuming that the perpetrator was male, he posted in the section as "m4m," but in the end, apologized for his "patriarchal" presumption.
The letter, as odd as the break-in itself, is a (car) window into the Craigslister's soul, with his "various e-cigarettes" and "vintage Harry And The Hendersons trading card pack" references.
Dear Person Who Broke Into My Car Last Night,
I'd like to start by thanking you for not breaking any of my windows. You presumably used the little back window that was already broken, and I really appreciate that.
I would also like to thank you for stealing practically nothing out of my car. To emphasis [sic] this point, (and before i begin with a few grievances) here is an incomplete list of things that were in my car that you kindly chose not to steal:
-relatively nice noise-canceling headphones
-all of my CDs
-two (2) photobooth photo strips taken with friends at bars
-an iPhone lightening charger cable with cigarette lighter adapter usb thing.
-various ecigarettes and related chargers
-a box of bungee cords
-an empty pack of cigarettes
-an ashtray full of cigarette butts
-lens cleaning wipes
-relatively nice steel water bottle
-really cool Arcade Fire t-shirt
-black shoe polish
-two (2) paint pens
-toothbrush and toothpaste
-travel pack of floss picks
-nearly full thing of asprin
-one (1) half (1/2) eaten Crunch bar
-the kind of make up that goes in your eyelashes with the brush thing
-grocery bag full of garbage
-grocery bag full of recycling
-my registration/insurance/other important car-related documents
-vintage Harry And The Hendersons trading card pack
Did you really have to open my vintage Harry And The Hendersons trading card pack? That was a collectors item. Did you think I was hiding my wad of hundos in there? 'Hundos' is a colloquialism for 'hundred dollar bills' BTW. Actually, now that i think about it, the trading cards would probably be a pretty good hiding place for a wad of hundos. So, I guess I understand.
From what I can tell, the only thing you stole from my car are some of my business cards. Which is just a little bit creepy. You have my phone number. And my full name. Are you looking at my website? You should watch Actual Food Porn, everybody loves that one. If you know anybody who needs video work done, please feel free to distribute my cards as you please.
Also, it really was quite the mess in there. I mean, my car is normally kind of a mess, but this was ridiculous. On one hand, i get it! You're clearly a hooligan of some kind. Maybe you're a seasoned criminal and none of my stuff was worth enough for you (although you would have taken at least the FastTrak, right?). So, maybe you're just a/some drunk kid/s (though you would have taken my CDs right? i have some pretty cool shit). Or maybe you are homeless and just looking for some food (although i'm pretty sure that crunch bar is still good, so i doubt it).
Nothing adds up. Who are you? Why did you do it? Why couldn't you have tidied up after yourself a little bit? It's just kinda rude, that's all. You break in to my car, don't steal anything (which i appreciate! but am also slightly offended by?) and then just leave everything scattered about?
It's not a big deal, but just: next time, please try to be a little cleaner about the manner in which you rifle through my personal items. It would be greatly appreciated.
The Black Scion xB Owner
PS. In the case that you are not male, I would like to apologize for the m4m designation, but seeing as how you didn't leave any photos or a business card of your own, it would be impossible to say with any degree of certainty what you're gender is; so i defaulted to male. I understand this is problematic and is yet another exemplifier of our patriarchal society, but i also figure that you're probably a dude.