In the unlikely event that you have today off, or that your employer is such a huge soccer fan that you're given a free pass to go to a bar at 9 a.m. this morning to watch the U.S.-Germany World Cup match, we have a few suggestions for keeping it classy, wardrobe-wise.

If you don't know where to watch the match, we provided you with this list earlier. And if you don't get what's going on, score-wise, neither do we half the time. Deadspin provides this handy graph to show the various scoring scenarios that will allow the U.S. to advance to the next round. Hint: We actually don't have to win this one, but it's bad if we lose and Ghana wins their match against Portugal.

So, feel free to don all the soccer jerseys and flag shirts that you want, but please try to avoid the following.

These leggings never looked good on anyone.

These hats. (They only look good on small children.)

Anything like this. (You're not Katy Perry.)

Or this. (You're not Marina Diamandis.)

Even Kid Rock looks asinine in these pants.

You know better than this, right?

Excessive face painting. Or any face painting really. (It's 9 a.m., on a weekday.)

And last but not least, please avoid all Hitler mustaches and Nazi references. That was a really long time ago, guys.

(Photo: Getty Images)