Great. Mom and dad are in town. They won't walk up all those hills. They insist on staying at your place. And they won't eat anywhere weird. "You're not taking us to that funky Indian place again, are you?" mom will worry. "You know your father can't digest anything with garlic." And with that, we give you the top 9 restaurants for when your family is in town.
Alexander's Steakhouse
Was your mom in Junior League? Did your dad have an affair with his secretary for years, which was known but never discussed? Did you grow up in a gated community? Then Alexander's Steakhouse is the place for you. Tablecloths. Expensive cuts of hardcore meat. Luxurious ambiance. Nothing freaky, nothing deaky. Mom will enjoy her third martini of the night (she's been through so much as it is) while you teach dad how to use Facebook on his T-Mobile Touch. — Brock Keeling
448 Brannan (at Third Street), 415-495-1111
Boulevard
"Oh gosh, we loved it. You have to try it! So French. It's near the—what's that place called again? The Ferry Farmer's Building? Near there. It's expensive. Oh yeah, it cost Dick a pretty penny. He wasn't happy. You know how he gets. But it was just lovely. I had the scallops. Like they make on Top Chef. So decadent. Anyway, you should check out Boulevard while you're in San Fran. Yes, it's in a nice part of the city. Alright, gotta run. Bye." — Brock Keeling
1 Mission (at Embarcadero), 415-543-6084
Chow
So. They're finally cool with the gay thing. That's great. Bring them to Chow. Close to the Castro—but not too close—Chow boasts reasonably-priced high-quality comfort food that features local ingredients. (It's also kid-friendly!) Boisterous enough to feel kicky without being too much, Chow is also the perfect setting for the family to finally meet your new boyfriend Geoffrey (née: Jeff). — Brock Keeling
Two SF locations: 215 Church (at Market) and 1240 Ninth Avenue (at Lincoln)
Delfina
For the family members that want to feel they're experiencing a "hip" neighborhood without venturing near the 16th and Valencia shitshow, Delfina is the Mission spot that delivers. Elevated food, a classy-casual ambiance and a good mix of monied youngsters and other people's parents make this a comfortable spot for anyone, especially if mom and dad are paying. — Rose Garrett
3621 - 18th Street (at Gurerro); 415-552-4055
La Ciccia
Mission too bustling and FiDi too flashy? Choose La Ciccia, a shiny Italian star in a Noe corner so sleepy it might be narcotized. La Ciccia's Sardinian owners deliver the real deal, however: classic and creative Italian dishes, a great wine list and a chill, neighborhood vibe that even your North Dakotan in-laws can feel good about. — Rose Garrett
291 - 30th Street (at Church); 415-550-8114
Waterbar
It's a view restaurant, with a pretty unique vista onto the Bay Lights these days, but it is more than that. Waterbar is a perfectly decent, if expensive, seafood spot with a number of gems on its menu, not to mention a full raw bar, good cocktails, and fun column-size vertical aquariums in the dining room. Go for a chilled octopus salad, some oven-roasted sablefish, and one of Emily Lucchetti's divine desserts. If Dad's paying and Mom make that inevitable "Where can we eat some seafood?" request, this is the obvious choice. — Jay Barmann
399 Embarcadero (at Folsom); 415-284-9922
Top of the Mark
Family in town is a perfect excuse to revisit this San Francisco classic bar destination. Sure, it's cheesy and hotel-y, and we'd advise steering clear of the 100-martini menu and just ordering a simple highball, or similar, but the view seriously can't be beat. And Dad will love the story about the case full of booze to be shared by military personnel passing through. There are some simple bar snacks but they also do brunch on Sundays throughout the holidays. Day or night it's a great place to sit and look out on our relentlessly beautiful city, and let your family feel jealous that you live here. — Jay Barmann
1 Nob Hill (at Mason); 415-616-6916
Bar Tartine
Bar Tartine's rustic and constantly evolving menus make a great introduction to San Francisco's restaurant scene without being overly intimidating in terms of price or atmosphere. Although the cuisine is Eastern European, the style is back-to-roots, handmade Northern Californian. Plan ahead for dinner reservations with the parents or take mom to lunch at the sandwich counter during a stroll down Valencia. — Andrew Dalton
561 Valencia (at 17th Street); 415-487-1600
Gialina/Ragazza
For Napoletana-style pizza without lines of cultish devotees, Ragazza/Gialina chef and owner Sharon Ardiana serves up Italian-via-California fare in a simple, cozy atmosphere. The ten or so rotating pies on the menu mean there's something for everyone. If the extended family is in town, look into reserving their heated patio gazebo in the garden out back at Ragazza. — Andrew Dalton
Gialina: 2842 Diamond (at Kern), 415-239-8500
Ragazza: 311 Divisadero (at Page), 415-255-1133
Inevitable mention
The Stinking Rose
Just suck it up and go. At least once. It's where they'll want to go anyway. —Brock Keeling
325 Columbus (at Broadway), 415-781-7673
