Because we always enjoy appalling you this early in the morning, allow us to share some of the pricing details of the new luxury apartment project known as 38 Dolores, otherwise known as the new Whole Foods building in Safeway Heights, on Upper Market. A really swanky one-bedroom, first of all, will run you $4,595 a month, but might we suggest you just take last year's bonus, withdraw it in 10s and 20s, and light it all on fire.
One-bedrooms start at the completely unreasonable $2,950 and we say unreasonable because if you look at the floor plans on Curbed, you'll see that even the more spacious units have pretty tiny bedrooms and combo kitchen-dining-living spaces referred to as "Great Rooms" even though a number of them don't look that great at all. Here, for instance, is what the entry-level one-bedroom looks like, and yeah, that's actually what people used to call a Junior One Bedroom, or Alcove Studio, because there isn't even a door on that bedroom.
One bedrooms like this corner unit are going for as much as $4,595 (ack, vomit, choke), and for a three-bedroom you might be paying as much as $8,100. In the words of one of our Facebook friends, "Are they on glue?"
Rather than saying it's across from the Safeway and the Mint, the marketing copy goes something like this:
At the apex of San Francisco's most diverse neighborhoods you'll discover 38 Dolores. Admire its sophisticated design. Applaud its eco-architecture. Celebrate its community support. Embrace a new way to live.
More like embrace a new way to piss your money away! Oh, but there's more.
Walking through the front doors of 38 Dolores is entry into a sanctuary of 21st Century living. Its fusion of design, art, and technology is a respite from urban clamor and an awakening to what can be done next...
Plus there's a green roof, and a butterfly habitat up there. Yep. Butterfly habitat.
A spectrum of blue, a fade of orange, and a patchwork of red, the Mission Blue, San Bruno Elfin, and Bay Checkerspot butterflies are protected and nurtured at their habitat. The habitat is a living representation of the sustainable lifecycle at the core of 38 Dolores’ philosophy.
We're going to go throw up again now.