Pictured above is Jeffy. Or "Captain_Derp" if you're on OKCupid. Or Jeff Allen if you're his mother, who is probably pretty disappointed in her son's choice of conveyance. The van, which you may have spotted around Dolores Park or Bernal Heights is officially called "Consensual Sex in the Missionary Position For the Sole Purpose of Reproduction Van" or as Jeffy put it to one potential hookup on OKCupid: his "fucking RAPE VAN."
Jeffy is a pickup instructor. A disciple of the sorts of cool hat wearing bros who appear in Neil Strauss' infamous expose The Game, author of a book of sexual conquests called Get Laid or Die Trying and a self-proclaimed, "greasy, bare-chested douchebag, completely self-absorbed with little or no redeeming qualities." When he's not hand-painting "2Pac R.I.P. 4EVA," 9/11 freedom messages and 4chan pedophilia joke memes on the side of his van, he is apparently spending his time running dating bootcamps and selling $270 DVDs of himself teaching the AFCs of San Francisco (that's "Average Frustrated Chumps", for those not versed in pick-up lingo) how to be a dick to women on their own. So, he's a local businessman of sorts.
After Mission Mission wondered why no one was talking about Jeffy's van earlier this week, our pal Katie Baker over at Jezebel tracked down one of his potential dates, a girl named Amanda who was tired of all the guys on OKCupid who rock climb:
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not usually attracted to explicit douche bags but I immediately felt refreshed after scanning hundreds of profiles depicting young startup professionals that are just 'enjoying our beautiful city' and love to cook, travel, and rock climb," Amanda wrote on her Facebook wall. "Every motherfucker on okcupid rock climbs. So I wrote back and let him know that if that was in fact his van, I would go on a date with him. His response was that he was busy promoting his clothing line in vegas and I should text him. Note: all of his t-shirts say "beast mode" on them. At this point I figured I would probably be better off not meeting him and it was only later when he reached out again that I decided, fuck it, YOLO!"
When Amanda canceled on Jeffy the night before they were planning to meet at a local tapas bar (sidenote: cool date!), our van owner replied tastefully: "Why am I not surprised. Eat a bag of dicks." Followed by: "Also, I guarantee your date with me would be far more horrifying than these last two amateurs you went out with. I drive a fucking RAPE VAN. Ps you're fat." Charmed, we're sure.
Jeffy is also a hit with the dudes as well as the ladies. Aspiring PUAs (again, for those who don't speak PUA, that's: "Pickup Artists") everywhere love him for his tips on how to "develop confidence and character without scripts or canned lines" and his DVD system that "help you create a weird, synergistic effect that helps not only your love life, but all other areas too." For instance, here's Jeffy asking a question many others have no doubt asked themselves when they consider spending a quiet Saturday night at home: "Do you want to have a lame life?"