South of Market is home to one of the largest networks (with the fewest dropped calls?) of queer-friendly businesses in San Francisco. It has been this way for decades and doesn't appear to be changing. Or is it?

We stumbled upon the year-long saga regarding the relocation of Hole in the Wall Saloon while perusing various Web sites pertaining to our relevant local interests and businesses:

Presently, a woman nearby on Dore Alley, still refusing to meet with us after all this time, has sworn to stop our pub from ever opening, actually terming gays in the neighborhood "sexual outlaws" who would "invade my neighborhood."

Our fact checking reveals that the rumors are indeed true: SOMA is being invaded by sexual outlaws.

How does one stop this from occurring? Don't panic. We're certain that this pressing issue is on everyone's minds and have thus compiled a handy do-it-yourself guide to preventing "OH NO! GAY INVASION!" from coming to your neighborhood:

- Make sure you're indigent so that you have unlimited disposable taxpayer-provided income and time without that pesky 9-to-5 nonsense to get in your way.

- Be sure to toss in your disability card to ensure that government agencies will bend over backwards for your agenda.