We've bolded the funniest parts, but really, you've got to read the whole thing. This guy just totally flipped out at SFist_Mattymatt (aka Matt Baume). Our favorite excerpt: "I would not be surprised if Mr. Baume doesn't currently have a girl friend or even that Mr. Baume does not want any girl friends because he does not like girls." ORLY? What was your first clue?

We've been asked not to include the author's real name (which seems unfair -- doesn't he deserve the same opportunity to embarrass himself as anyone else?) so we've modified that. But otherwise, we've left his golden gift to the world unchanged. Enjoy.