We're friends, right? Yeah, sure we are. That's why we've got to have this little talk. Look, we love you, of course, but we can't just sit idly by and watch what you're doing to yourself. For crying out loud, you're just one green umbrella away from shaving your head and attacking your ex's car!

Here's the thing. Back when you started pleading with us to be your friend, we felt bad for you. Honestly. We know it hurts to hear, but it's for your own good. You were just so at wanting to befriend us -- you didn't even have a MySpace! Instead you threw up this tacky, spammy, fill-in-the-blanks webform that doesn't even have a privacy policy! Five-eleven -- pal -- you're as bad at making friends as you are at everything else. You might as well have put up a web page that says, "do you like me yes no circle one."

Wait, don't start crying. It won't help. We're on a roll. You can't stop us now.

Let's talk about your user interface, for example. It sucks. Just look at your front page -- what the hell is going on there? Did you even plan out an attention map, like a good website should, or did you make a vomitous unreadable collage on purpose?

Stop sobbing, for heaven's sake. We haven't even gotten to the really bad parts.