Because many people celebrate some version of a gift-giving holiday this time of year, it seems like a responsibility of ours to cough up some kind of locally focused sexy shopping guide. No problem there. But we're feeling conflicted, and not just about what kind of ball gags to get Uncle Bobby and Aunt Whitney. It seems like this is a year when everyone and their autofellating office mate is churning out some kind of sex toy shopping guide, which all feel about as hot as warmed over press releases from the sex toy companies themselves.

Which is why the first item we recommend for stuffing your stocking is a pack (or twenty) of Anti-Masturbation Chewing Gum, from Therapy on 545 Valencia Street. This is where you should start, and hopefully where it should end, once and for all. But if you still can't get the demons out, no matter how hard you, uh, are, at least take a few tips from the local robot community and ease your friction issues. A vat of Boy Butter or a gallon-sized pump bottle of Eros Lube won't set you back too badly if you get it on the corner of Lube and Castro, also known as Phantom, located at 516 Castro St. (Look for the neon "Lube 4 Less" sign and role-play horny wisemen to your heart's delight. The neighborhood's seen it all, trust us.)

While you're already in the Castro, you might as well get that special guy those see-through camoflauge boxers he's always wanted for paintball games, along with a huge selection of alluring "lift and separate" styles of men's underthings to be found at InJeaNous (432 Castro). Then, a quick stop into the huge new digs at Does Your Mother Know (4141 18th) for every kind of naughty holiday card imaginable (note: the Menorah is *not* anal safe, kids). Find the tastiest selection of male nude desk calendars this side of having a real Falcon model splayed across your desk every day of the week at A Different Light. For curvy babes and decidedly NSFW planners with , Tower Records (2280 Market) offers up a tasty selection of dirty calendars, enough to please even the snarkiest hotpants in your life. And Kid Robot (1512 Haight), one of our favorite places to have credit card accidents, has a nifty assortment of small and affordable filthy dirty, ever-busty figurines.

SFist Violet, contributing.

actual neekid girls in them