In fact, with the help of his friend and websmaster Carl, Thomas is online-novelizing his newly peaceful, conformist lifestyle. The book is titled , and despite being only available in lousy PDF, it's a riveting read: tales of delivering interoffice mail, polite small-talk, and the purchasing of lunches abound; activities that await you, you lucky thing, upon your inevitable abandonment of your current wacko lifestyle. Carl maintains quite a website for Thomas (so much so, in fact, that we dare to observe that Carl seems to be the one doing all the work) to evangelize noble conformity over futile individuality. Stop on by for conformist-quizzes, mini-manifestos, and such stirring slogans as "I Heart Society," "My Profile Recently Updated," "Narcotics Are Illegal, Unhealthy," "I Refuse To Dance," and "Irreverence Is Not A Virtue." Our envy of wise, lucky Thomas knows no bounds. He misses nothing about useless old San Francisco except, Carl told us, "he misses lap-dance venues where one can touch - Thomas likes to touch." Ah yes, human contact. But worry not, noble Thomas; surely such inefficiencies shall soon disappear from your memory altogether.

Now, if you'll excuse us, those TPS reports aren't going to staple themselves.

The New and Improving Thomas