We must confess that we're rather attached to our bodily fluids. But not everyone hoards theirs as selfishly as we, and that's got the FDA all riled up: under new recommendations, gays will probably soon be barred from donating spooge. Which is a shame, because they're more closely acquainted with the substance than anyone.

The FDA, bless its heart, is worried about AIDS. Rumor has it, it's a new Gay Plague! We'd better quarantine all homofluids -- just to be safe, you understand. And let's assume -- again, in the name of public safety, not out of any sort of reproductive prejudice -- that every single queer in the world is an HIV+ whore, and that straight peoples' pureness of heart makes them immune to disease. Fellas who've been monogamously coupling with their HIV- husbands for the past decade are way more likely to carry the disease than men who've been humping anonymous lady hookers on top of a pile of used syringes ... right?

Of course, doctors (such as Dr. Deborah Cohan at UCSF, who says, "I can't think of a scientifically valid reason -- it has to be an issue of discrimination,") are rolling their eyes. Gay groups have suggested that a more effective way to screen out HIV+ sperm would be to bar promiscuous donors rather than gay ones. But, hey, wouldn't that be discrimination against heterosexual sluts?

Homos sure do have it good: they'll never get drafted, they don't have to feel guilty about not donating blood, and their marriages are stronger. It sure would be a pity if they disappeared from the gene pool, thus depriving future generations of such luxuries.

real