Excuse all the noise, but everyone here at the Essefficist is busy celebrating the Giants' win over the Dodgers today (and digesting hot dogs). But we're here for you baby. Especially you, John. Dig it:

I am going on vacation for 3 weeks. I have a car. I have no money to pay for SFO parking. Where can I park my car while on vacation? It needs to be free. It needs to be within city limits, but I may be willing to consider someplace close to BART. Someplace where it won't get ticketed or towed, and (very important!!) won't get broken into or stolen. Any ideas?

Thanks! You rock.

- John

Free parking for three weeks? That's a long time, John. Let's see, you gotta find a place where not only is there no street cleaning and absolutely no site-specific length-of-parking restrictions--so that the DPT won't tag or tow your car simply as a matter of course--but also where your car isn't going to be a sitting duck for vandals or thieves. Unfortunately, the City allows cars to stay in one spot on the street for no more than seventy-two hours and in pretty much any neighborhood in town where you might feel safe leaving your car for any amount of time, locals are going to get pissed off watching your car accumulate dust for three weeks. The DPT and it's pink seventy-two hour tags are just one short phone call away. And any place where you aren't going to be subject to street cleaning or parking-jealous neighbors--let's say, maybe, Tunnel Avenue or Cargo Street--probably isn't a good place for your poor little car to hang out on its lonesome for too long.

So unfortunately, John, it seems to us that you're out of luck. Three week's worth of free and safe on-street parking within San Francisco is an unattainable goal. Unless you're the Dalai Lama or something and, um, unattainable goals are strangely attainable. Or something. Maybe someone in the comments will have a bright idea, but we doubt it. That'd be like fessing up about your poker tells. Or their favorite fishing spots. The problem with everyone knowing about something that juicy is that everyone knows about it. Before you know it there are ninety cars driving around the secret spot all the time and it might as well be the House of Nan King.

OK, Essefficist, I have a doozy of a question for you: