Hallo there! Greetings again from the Essefficist. While it may be that the Essefficist's identitity is shrouded in many things, surely mystery is not one of them. We're easy to track down and happy to hear from you. So why haven't you called? Whaaahh! How pathetic must we sound, how low must we go, how deep is your love? Surely you can send us a question or two without us having to harass you twice a week? Or can you?

Do you think no one tells Dan Leone where to eat his slop? You think Dan Savage comes up with all that nasty stuff all on his lonesome? Or does Randy Cohen fabricate all those soul stirring dilemmas himself? Are you trying to tell us that no one in New York turns to Ask Gothamist in their moment of darkness?

Sure, we're not them, we know it, we're just some dork sitting at his Mac writing drivel, so don't jam up the comments or our inbox with reminders of their greatness and our inconsequence. But do jam up the comments or our inbox with your questions for the Essefficist. Otherwise, you'll be reading our answers to Dear Abby's questions next Tuesday. Actually, that doesn't sound half bad. That thing about the camera in the bathroom floor is kinda juicy.