Juicero, the $400 (née $700) wi-fi enabled juicer that makes you drinks from a foil container you could just squeeze by hand for free, has come to resemble everything that's wrong with the world, between the jaw-dropping amount of venture capital pissed away on the questionable venture to its association with Ivanka Trump. But what happens when this icon of evil meets the star of one of the most hotly anticipated reboots in TV history?
That's reportedly what happened when the New York Times profiled actor Kyle MacLachlan, known to dorks as Paul Atreides (oh my god that photo), millennials as the mayor of Portland, and fans of hot and cool TV as Twin Peaks' FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper (Yes, I know, Blue Velvet, Sex and the City...we don't have all day, people). It's an article ostensibly intended to promote the return of the show to the small screen for the first time since its final episode aired on June 10, 1991. (MacLachlan also briefly appeared in a prequel feature film, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, which was released in 1992 and also features San Francisco's own Chris Isaak as Cooper's fellow fed.) However, as MacLachlan is reportedly under an NDA regarding any plot details of the new season, reporter Jacob Bernstein is stuck with recapping MacLachlan's past career and detailing his pleasantly mundane daily life.
The profile, which neglects to mention the actor's early-90s relationship with supermodel Linda Evangelistia (hope for details of which, I will confess only to you, drove me to the piece in the first place), spends quite some time on MacLachlan's marriage to Desiree Gruber, a publicist whom he wed in 2002. Meeting the reporter, Gruber "poked fun at [MacLachlan's] old-fashioned, aw-shucks traditionalism. He poked fun at her inclination to try everything new," Bernstein writes. Ominous foreshadowing for what happens a few paragraphs later:
She pulled from a small refrigerator a couple of aluminum juice packets that she explained were made by a Silicon Valley company called Juicero.
“Are you sure you don’t want a juice?” Ms. Gruber said. “I’m going to have one.”
“Oh my God,” Mr. MacLachlan said, examining a bag. It had bar codes on it and looked like something from a fancy hospital. “Do you have an IV to go with that?”
“Ha, ha, ha, that’s cute,” she said. “It does look like an IV bag, but it’s not. It’s from the future, honey. From the future!”
An assistant took the packets to the nearby Juicero juicer and soon returned with glasses filled with a mixture of kale, lemon, spinach, pineapple and apple. Ms. Gruber coaxed Mr. MacLachlan into taking a sip.
“It’s really good,” he said, sounding by-gosh, by-golly excited to discover that his wife was right yet again.
And there the profile ends, with the actor who plays Cooper — a character known for his appreciation of coffee...
...drinking the renderings of a foil-wrapped wad of pulp that VC geniuses at places like Google Ventures and Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers paid $120 million to make.
Twin Peaks will return to Showtime on May 21 at 9 p.m.