Jesus may have died for our sins, but that didn't stop the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, our local order of queer activist anti-nuns founded on Easter in 1979, from keeping up their sinful ways.
At their 37th annual Hunky Jesus, Foxy Mary, and crazy ass Bonnet contest, an Easter extravaganza now in its second year at Golden Gate Park's Hellman Hollow after a move from Dolores Park during constructions there many bearded, man-bunned men sought the title, but only one earned the crown of thorns.
Before He could Rise, the Sisters welcomed a few Foxy Mary contestants — the winner, Reality TV Mary, swilling champagne despite her pregnancy — and renewed their vows, as they do each year. Those are to "spread universal joy and expiate stigmatic guilt by providing grants to nonprofits that promote wellness, identity, tolerance and diversity in our communities."
Jesus contestants, who this year included "Jizzus," "Refugeesus," and "Bukakke Jesus," did manage to offend the pious, which is of course the point. "Please repent of your sins!" one disturbed person wrote to Facebook of the event, "Jesus rose from the dead on Easter, that's why we celebrate it! Not so people can make fun of Jesus! This is a very serious matter! Yes, Jesus loves you, but He's also a righteous judge and will be coming back really soon to judge sin! Please repent!!!"
But this year's winner, Cheerleader Jesus, did not seem too concerned. As went his crowd-pleasing cheer routine: "Jesus died for your sins / And now I'm back to win win win!"