Hello. My name is Kate. I purchased a LOW INCOME ticket to go to burning man this year. Finances for me have dropped to just enough to feed my cats and pay my rent. I already bought the ticket. This will be my 5th year on the Playa (at burning man) and me and another burner friend of mine had planned a playa wedding because both of us have dreamt it would happen since the first year we got there and our lives were changed. This place is my HOME. I have never fit in or belonged anywhere more than at burning man. This year burning man lands about a week after my 25th birthday and going to burning man is the gift I gave myself, while under the impression my parents would assist me with money to get there and back. I have EVERYTHING ELSE except a vehicle pass. This will most likely be the last year im able to attend and I just wanna make it the best burn ever and do all the things I've wanted to but haven't had the chance. I'm desperate. Begginn. I'm trying to sell my dads collection of vinyls from the 60s and 70s as well as a BRAND LAZY BOY NEW RECLINER that I only used for 4 weeks, as well as clothes in great condition to a local shop that pays you for your old clothes, I can't work right now because of my recent shoulder surgery....PLEASE HELP! Anything you can spare to donate is GREATLY appreciated

Dear Kate,

Hello. My name is Caleb. I recently had the opportunity to read your above plea for free Internet money. You are indeed "desperate." You are, in fact, "Begginn." Your cruel parents have decided that, at age 25, they won't fund your way to and from a festival in the desert. Basically, they've disowned you, and now you need $450 to get there and score a vehicle pass, which actually retails at $50.

As far as advice, I'll keep it as simple as I can. Get a ride with other burners and take down your Gofundme page. Here's a rideshare board on the Burning Man website. It was hard to find, I had to use Google.

Not to worry, I have more advice. This is probably what your parents have already said, because it's accurate, and maybe it's the reason they're subtly discouraging you from going, especially on your own.

You've just had SHOULDER SURGERY. I wish you a speedy recovery! If you are still too fragile to work, then the WORST thing you could do is go to the middle of a desert and risk re-injury. Burning Man is, I'm told, intense. It sounds like you love that about it. Where's the nearest hospital to the playa, anyway?

Many parents are used to pointing out that if you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to go to the playground. This seems to apply here. You should not go to Burning Man this year.

What's more, it sounds like you're financially strapped. And that sucks. But you've burned before, and you could save up and just go next year. You could, heaven forfend, sell that Burning Man ticket of yours and make a HUGE PROFIT — do you see how much they're going for? — allowing you to feed yourself and your pets while you recover and look for work.

Oh, and another thing. The video and song you're using and implicitly taking credit for on your fundraising page? This one, which is awful anyway? You didn't make it. People in the comments on the video are none too pleased about your use of it, and have alerted the person who actually did make it.

Also, you're too young to be playa married. Wait, maybe I don't understand what that is. Congratulations on your fake engagement, then. Also, you're 25, and you will definitely have more chances to go to Burning Man, I promise.

Last, good luck meeting your fundraising goal. May this negative press — which some people, you included, might definitely and reasonably hate — bring you across the $450 finish line.

Signed,

—Basically Your Mom

PS: Why did you buy, and why are you now returning, a fucking "BRAND LAZY (sic) BOY NEW RECLINER." If this is a sign of your wisdom with money, it isn't a good one, and not one which endears you to your possible donors.

PPS: Burning Man is not your "home," don't be ridiculous.

Related: Pay To Playa: The Weirdest And Worst Crowdfunded Burning Man Projects