This week's edition of Apartment Sadness came in via the tipline from some apartment listings in the Stanford University classifieds. Thus, we don't have a link to share, but needless to say if you're desperate for a place to live in Menlo Park and could see yourself enjoying this converted toolshed, it's probably rented already.
Yes, it is a 120-square-foot toolshed being marketed to "just the right person." As the tipster notes, "There’s no running water, but they throw in a water jug, a camp toilet, and the right to shit in the main house four days a week. I’m guessing 'Just the right person' means 'won’t alert the housing authority.'"
A Stanford student was previously occupying this glorious backyard hovel, but clearly did not leave with his dignity intact. (It had to be a guy, right? No woman would deal with this bathroom scenario.)
There is, instead of running water, a water dispenser with a five-gallon jug on it, and no joke! an old timey wash basin with a pitcher. So you can take a whore's bath, Old West style, with cold water from that jug anytime you like!
There is a great economy of space at work here, as you can see. The "closet," where there is space for approximately one jacket and one shirt, also doubles as the kitchen and the bathroom, with the fridge and the aforementioned water dispenser.
There is a desk and desk chair, and a bed that looks perfect for a very short person.
I'm still a little baffled about the dimensions, too. It says it's 120 square feet, but looking at the shed from the outside, doesn't it look to be about 4 feet by 8 feet? Anyway, perhaps the photo is deceptive, and it says it's actually 8 by 15 feet.
Did I mention there are 2 skylights? Yes!
And the ad, which you can read in full below, explains that access to the main house is inexplicably off limits between 9 a.m. and 10 p.m. on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. So, if you do need to take a shit in a real bathroom or, like, a hot shower you'll need to do it late at night in the middle of the week, or else save it up for the Friday-to-Monday window, which is apparently a free-for-all pooping time. Also very important: You're expected to be QUIET.
Students certainly have contended with worse living situations over the eons, and perhaps privacy in someone's backyard is preferable to some more than dorm life. And you'll be living in a "magnificent wooded area" to boot.
But much like all of the domiciles featured in this column, this is one where any date you bring home to this shed will laugh at you. Even if you can't hear it, they will be internally giggling, and feeling sorry for you, and wondering who the asshole is that's getting $800 a month for this shit.