by Daisy Barringer

When I sat down next to my friend in SF Athletic Club before the game last night, he asked me what I thought was going to happen. "Probably Frank Gore will rush for 150 yards, Kap will get his first rushing touchdown of the season, and Vernon Davis will have five catches for 85 yards." I was, of course, being both facetious and hopeful (yes, I know it's better for SF if the Niners lose out; no, I don't care), but I didn't know just how psychic I was being.

In case you have a life and didn't watch the more or less meaningless 49ers game last night, Frank Gore ran for 158 yards and Colin Kaepernick had a 90-yard touchdown run. If not for the fact that Vernon Davis had zero receptions (a 63-yard touchdown was wiped out by a penalty), I would definitely give you guys my phone number and charge three dollars a minute to tell you your future.

Clearly I’m not actually psychic though; if I were, I would certainly not have agreed to another friend’s challenge/order of “Every time the Niners score a touchdown, we’re doing shots.”

Let’s talk about shots for a second, shall we? (I mean, we could talk about football, but why? WHY?) Shots are never EVER a good idea. There is only one thing that should make your entire body physically shudder for minutes afterwards and yeah, it’s not a shot. So, like, as a rule, I don’t do shots. I’m perfectly capable of getting “tipsy” just by drinking normal drinks. I don’t ever, will never, need a shot.

Still: I LOVE A CHALLENGE. And, hey: it’s the 49ers! How many shots could I end up doing? One? Maybe two at most?

Yeah. The 49ers scored FIVE effing touchdowns last night. FIVE. I think we can safely assume my chompers did not get brushed before bed last night. I know. I’m disgusting.

The best part? (Worst part.) The stupid 49ers (I can say that about them ‘cause we’re basically family) couldn’t even win the game. Seriously. They finished the game with a franchise-record 355 rushing yards, four offensive touchdowns (Gore, Kap, and two by rookie Ellington), a pick-six (Bethea), and two OTHER interceptions (Cox and Culliver), but they still lost. THEY STILL LOST.

I mean, of course they did. Blame the lost fumbles (three). Blame the refs (Joe Staley sure did, drawing an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after telling a ref he was terrible at his job). Blame Jed York. Or Trent Baalke. For once we actually can’t blame Greg Roman and that sure feels weird and yucky. Probably the real blame goes to injuries. San Diego took advantage of the fact that our defense is hurting and ultimately, they won the game because of it. (Well that and the THREE FUMBLES.)

I will say this: I sold my tickets to the game (at a loss). It was the first time since 2007 that I missed a home game. I thought maybe I would be super sad about it at the last minute, but there was not even one teeny tiny part of me that cared. Like, not even a smidgeon of remorse. And I am confident I would feel that way even if we’d won. I told Twitter I sold my tickets because apparently I’m a moron and forget that putting things on Twitter is basically begging strangers to scream judgments at you and was called a bandwagon fan by many. I mean, I really doubt those people even HAVE season tickets, so I’m not sure how that works, but all I’ll say is that Levi’s Stadium is REALLY FAR AWAY. And if I’d done a shot after every touchdown there, I would currently be in jail for a DUI. Instead, I went to a bar close to my house and paid $15 total for Uber. I think we can all agree I made the right decision.

Oh, and this is kind of funny. (I’m basically pretty much not gonna talk about football again until the last paragraph, so go ahead and skip to that if you want; I won’t mind.) Remember a few weeks ago how because I’m dumb, I went on a quasi-first date to watch the Niners/Raiders game, screamed at the TV, and then threw myself on the floor after a Colin Kaepernick interception, effectively showing the guy all of my amazing (ly terrifying) qualities in one three-hour period? Guess who was ALSO at SF Athletic Club last night to watch the game?

I know. I’m super smooth though and went and said hi before I did the eight bazillion touchdown shots and ohmygod, I hope he doesn’t read this column. He doesn’t, right? Probably not. Hopefully. Anyway, he left at halftime because we had a 21-point lead, so actually if you want to blame someone for the loss, I’m totally okay with you blaming him. (I do.) And we all know I could never be with someone who stops watching a Niners game at halftime, so perhaps it’s for the best that I flung myself onto a dirty bar floor when I did. #classy

So yeah. The Niners lost. And I’m going to die alone. Technically, thanks to things like draft picks and the way schedules work, it’s for the best. (The losing part, not the dying alone part.) But that doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. That being said, I’m elated Gore had a huge game. I will be really, really, really, REALLY sad to see him go if he does, but he deserves to keep playing and I was stoked he got a chance to prove what he can still do if given the opportunity.

Thinking about the Niners now pretty much just makes me sad. It’s unfathomable to me that Jed York is going to get rid of Harbaugh — I mean, you just don’t get rid of one of the best coaches in the NFL — but at this point it seems like it’s a done deal. Our options for his replacement terrify me. It’s not fair to the fans. And it’s really not fair to the players. They deserve better. It’s almost like Jed York doesn’t care if we win. That can’t be true though, right? Like, does he not want to be a Super Bowl contender for Super Bowl 50? I mean, think about it: it’s actually bad financially for Santa Clara if the Niners are in it. No… it can’t be that.

That’s the problem though. We’ll never know why York and Baalke are getting rid of Harbaugh. I think they just don’t like him personally, but that’s not a reason to fire a coach, right? Or maybe, for them, it is. Even if that’s the most immature thing I’ve ever heard. What’s mind boggling is apparently there are real life Niners fans don’t like Harbaugh. Some (loser) British dude at the bar last night was ranting on and on how much he hates Harbaugh. I told him he was an idiot because hi: it’s me. He replied with, “I hope you walk outside and get hit by a bus.”

Instead, I walked outside and tried to get in someone else’s Uber.

Five shots, man. Five.

Next up: The Arizona Cardinals. At this point, I’m just rooting for Seattle to NOT win the NFC West, so I guess that means I’ll be rooting for the Niners to lose next week? That just feels so wrong. Kinda like this entire season.

Sigh. Happy Holidays.