by Daisy Barringer
They say if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Unfortunately, if I embraced that adage, I wouldn’t be able to write today’s column because I legitimately don’t have even one nice thing to say about the fiasco that was yesterday’s 49ers game.
Oh. The weather was nice. There. That’s my one nice thing.
Besides that: SCREW ‘EM ALL. Screw the offense, screw the defense, screw special teams, screw the entire coaching staff, especially screw Greg Roman, and screw the fact that since I was at the game and not at a Thanksgiving dinner, I didn’t even get any pumpkin pie.
The 49ers play yesterday was a complete and total embarrassment. And the worst part? They fell apart against the Seahawks. Of all teams. The classless, arrogant, jerk-off Seahawks. (I respect the Seahawks play, but I don’t respect that team and their behavior on the sidelines and off of the field.)
I mean, the Niners played so terribly that Jed York took to Twitter after the game to apologize.
Thank you #49ersfaithful for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn't acceptable. I apologize for that— Jed York (@JedYork) November 28, 2014
Even Trent Baalke’s daughter got in on the Twitter action, tweeting, “Greg Roman can take a hike. The 49ers don’t want you no more.” Apparently she is a college freshman, so all I can say is that I hope her English 101 professor is working with her on her grammar. Her thesis, however, comes through quite clearly.
And it’s a thesis she won’t have a hard time arguing. Literally, NO ONE wants Greg Roman any more. Like: JUST GO AWAY. You’re The Worst. THE WORST! I would love to go into detail about just how much he sucks, but the list would be too long, so just “terrible at EVERYTHING” will have to do. (Sorry about the yelling; it’s just that kind of morning. I was arguing with trolling Seahawks fans before 8 a.m. to give you some idea.)
Of course, while I can blame Greg Roman for the horrendous, uninspired, cautious play calling, I can’t blame him for the fact that Colin Kaepernick looked terrible, completing just 16 or 29 passes for 121 yards and two interceptions both to Richard Sherman, of course and posting a 36.7 passer rating. Like, he looked sooooooooooo bad. All I kept thinking was how much I miss Alex Smith. (As anyone who reads this column knows, I was always a huge Alex Smith fan and I never agreed with Harbaugh’s decision to bench him in favor of Kap. Last night was just another reminder as to why.) Kap just can’t see beyond the play call; he locks onto one receiver and is incapable of scanning the field for other options. Like: you’re in the NFL, dude. Act like it. And you can defend him all you want, but it is just FACT that he is not getting better. Probably, actually: he’s getting worse.
Unfortunately, while the 49ers passing game was dead on arrival, the 49ers run game wasn’t able to go anywhere either. I don’t even know whom to blame for this. Greg Roman, the offensive line, Seattle’s defense, my 9th grade boyfriend, God? Probably I’m not going to blame Frank Gore (10 attempts for 28 yards) because I love him and because I just feel so sad that he isn’t going to get a Super Bowl ring in his career. No one deserves it on the team more than he does and it just breaks my heart that it’s not going to happen.
Yup, that’s right. Five days ago I was saying the 49ers could possibly win the NFC West and now I’m back to where I was a month ago, positing that we likely won’t make the playoffs at all. I mean, did you SEE the game? I’ve seen pee-wee teams play more effectively.
Moving right along This is the part where I usually say something positive about our defense since they’re the one bright light in this very dark tunnel of doom. So, uh let me give that a shot. Borland continues to look great, but then even he had some blown coverage, so no. Oh. I guess they got some sacks on Russell Wilson, which was nice or whatever. And, to be fair, they did manage to hold them mostly to field goals, so that’s a plus. Still, FOUR field goals, so let’s hold off on the cake and champagne.
By far, this is the most upsetting loss of the year. Like, was it awful to lose to the Broncos? Sure. But at least Denver has dignity and doesn’t behave like total Neanderthals when they win. There are a few specific things about Seattle’s behavior that are still irking me, so let me just get those off of my chest:
1. Richard Sherman blowing kisses to the 49ers crowd, then putting his finger over his mouth telling us to hush, and then waving goodbye. Seriously dude? He’s such a punk. The sad thing is Sherman is actually a great player who I would love to have even an ounce of respect for. I thought his press conference earlier this week was genius. But he’s just such a dick. I would never want a player with that kind of attitude on my team. (Says the girl who loved Terrell Owens. #hypocrite)
2. Richard Sherman talking smack to the Niners fans before and during the game. Sorry to beat a dead horse, but again: you just don’t do that. Just ignore the fans. You’re a NFL player. Act like it.
3. Russell Wilson’s “bye Felicia” video. Seriously? Are they in 8th grade? I’ve come to expect poor sportsmanship from Richard Sherman because that guy wakes up in the morning thinking of new ways to be an ass, but from the quarterback of the team? The guy who is supposed to lead by example. So tacky. So lame. Seriously, I’m sitting here trying to imagine Joe Montana or Steve Young or Peyton Manning or any of the other greats tweeting out a video like that. And I can’t. Because they would never.
Anyway, it was a brutal loss for the Niners. And I’m feeling pretty deflated. The only good part of the day? The Michael Mina Tailgate. If not for that, I’d say it would have been one of the worst Thanksgivings in a long time. And that’s saying a lot considering one time my family left me at Baker Beach because they couldn’t find me in the dunes and my mom didn’t want the turkey to burn.
Next up: The Raiders in Oakland. Pretty sure I made plans last night to go to the game with a group of guys who said I could only go if I drank 40s with them. Pretty sure that’s not actually gonna happen despite my enthusiastic agreement to do just that. Anyway, probably we should win that game, but Greg Roman’s game plan could also be having the players make daisy chains on the 40-yard-line for three hours, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Happy Thanksgiving or whatever. Go Niners. Now who wants to bring me some pie?